Weakness
Is weakness really bad? People react as if it were...
Last year, I made a stop. I decided to face God, and as I faced Him I was crushed. People didn´t like what was going on. Everybody wanted me to stop-but I would not.
I am very stubborn. I had questions. I needed answers, if to get them I had to face God...I would do it... even if my life was at stake.
people did not know how to react. They were used to a different Bea. The one that they could visit on a bad day and could always count on. They felt bad: they would drop by, knowing they would find an answer, a prayer, a hug, a smile or at least some ice-cream and homemade cookies...but all that died down as I was crushed by God.
Soon I had no answers, I would bombard them with questions: are we doing things right? is this all there is to our christian lives? should I care so much, when so many don't care at all?
They were confused, confronted and even angry. Others were dreadfully worried- had I lost my mind?
But all wanted me to stop. They did not like one bit what was going on.
But I pushed on. I needed answers...no matter the cost.
I fought with God for months. I got my answers, but oh dear! I am no longer strong!!!!
How weak am I? Extremly weak.
But I have learned to pretend it is not so. Weakness scares people...you had better pretend to be strong.
I go about my routine in a rather normal way. My students wouldn´t even dream that I am not strong. In fact I don´t think they have had such an enthusiastic teacher in years! BUT...I am not strong.
I am so good at pretending that at times I think I am strong...but I am not. How do I know?
Simple reactions. Things that I no longer do.
At the collegue I am teaching at they have ping pong tables. I often walk by. Part of me longs to play- I have done it only once. I stopped. I am not strong.
This week a woman asked for volunteers to go to the hospital to visit patients with cancer. I was quiet, I did not go. I am not strong.
When my mom got sick I took her classes, One of them is "Mexican Culture". We started talking about the aztecs, then the human sacrifices...and who knows how we ended on justice. I don´t rememeber all, I do remember saying: If today you don´t bring justice, you will never do it. Not when you are a professional, not when you got a job, not when you are the president...not ever. If today you don´t bring justice you will never do it.
They asked how they could do it.
I gave them some examples: Reach out. Help the woman that is selling tacos in the corner, visit the hospitals, teach people how to read and write, get near the children that live in the streets... It is simple, not hard. People will tell you that you can´t, but you can.
Then if happened, I saw it in their eyes: "Show us how, take us with you -we will go!"
I got home and told my mom: Next week, you take that class.
And she did. I am not strong.
But my friend, please do not weep, please,please do not cry!!!!
I disguise my weakness because others don´t like it, but for me it has been a treasure of great value.
You probably won´t understand. But weakness has brought me so close to God!
For me it is a blessed land.
so many of the things I wanted in my heart have come through this time!
Is weakness bad?
My friend, you may not believe me, but let me say it anyhow:
WEAKNESS IS NOT BAD, NOT AT ALL!
It is painful, but not bad. The agony that accompanies it is beyond description. But the humble heart that accompanies it is hard to be found.
it is part of the heart that I longed for. A humble heart, a real humble heart...not one part humble or not one pretending to be humble.
A true humble heart. No way to take the credit for anything...I am not strong.
A true humble heart. Aware of the need of God, as only brokeness can make such awareness come forth.
A true humble heart. Acknowledging that God is God.
And I am not.
The price for such a heart has been high.
My family is restless with my brokeness, they want "their Bea" back.
But I, I sit back. let God be God in my life.
I do not want to move on.
I need this heart to grow roots. I need to be still before God. I am in no rush to move out of my weakness.
The price has been high. Moving on, pushing myself to be strong...would destroy this all.
I will not move an inch until this weakness has finished that which it has been sent to do:
Create a new heart.
A new heart for me!!!
I love being weak. Weakness is not bad, not at all!
Weakness is a treasure chest in which a new heart can be found!
Last year, I made a stop. I decided to face God, and as I faced Him I was crushed. People didn´t like what was going on. Everybody wanted me to stop-but I would not.
I am very stubborn. I had questions. I needed answers, if to get them I had to face God...I would do it... even if my life was at stake.
people did not know how to react. They were used to a different Bea. The one that they could visit on a bad day and could always count on. They felt bad: they would drop by, knowing they would find an answer, a prayer, a hug, a smile or at least some ice-cream and homemade cookies...but all that died down as I was crushed by God.
Soon I had no answers, I would bombard them with questions: are we doing things right? is this all there is to our christian lives? should I care so much, when so many don't care at all?
They were confused, confronted and even angry. Others were dreadfully worried- had I lost my mind?
But all wanted me to stop. They did not like one bit what was going on.
But I pushed on. I needed answers...no matter the cost.
I fought with God for months. I got my answers, but oh dear! I am no longer strong!!!!
How weak am I? Extremly weak.
But I have learned to pretend it is not so. Weakness scares people...you had better pretend to be strong.
I go about my routine in a rather normal way. My students wouldn´t even dream that I am not strong. In fact I don´t think they have had such an enthusiastic teacher in years! BUT...I am not strong.
I am so good at pretending that at times I think I am strong...but I am not. How do I know?
Simple reactions. Things that I no longer do.
At the collegue I am teaching at they have ping pong tables. I often walk by. Part of me longs to play- I have done it only once. I stopped. I am not strong.
This week a woman asked for volunteers to go to the hospital to visit patients with cancer. I was quiet, I did not go. I am not strong.
When my mom got sick I took her classes, One of them is "Mexican Culture". We started talking about the aztecs, then the human sacrifices...and who knows how we ended on justice. I don´t rememeber all, I do remember saying: If today you don´t bring justice, you will never do it. Not when you are a professional, not when you got a job, not when you are the president...not ever. If today you don´t bring justice you will never do it.
They asked how they could do it.
I gave them some examples: Reach out. Help the woman that is selling tacos in the corner, visit the hospitals, teach people how to read and write, get near the children that live in the streets... It is simple, not hard. People will tell you that you can´t, but you can.
Then if happened, I saw it in their eyes: "Show us how, take us with you -we will go!"
I got home and told my mom: Next week, you take that class.
And she did. I am not strong.
But my friend, please do not weep, please,please do not cry!!!!
I disguise my weakness because others don´t like it, but for me it has been a treasure of great value.
You probably won´t understand. But weakness has brought me so close to God!
For me it is a blessed land.
so many of the things I wanted in my heart have come through this time!
Is weakness bad?
My friend, you may not believe me, but let me say it anyhow:
WEAKNESS IS NOT BAD, NOT AT ALL!
It is painful, but not bad. The agony that accompanies it is beyond description. But the humble heart that accompanies it is hard to be found.
it is part of the heart that I longed for. A humble heart, a real humble heart...not one part humble or not one pretending to be humble.
A true humble heart. No way to take the credit for anything...I am not strong.
A true humble heart. Aware of the need of God, as only brokeness can make such awareness come forth.
A true humble heart. Acknowledging that God is God.
And I am not.
The price for such a heart has been high.
My family is restless with my brokeness, they want "their Bea" back.
But I, I sit back. let God be God in my life.
I do not want to move on.
I need this heart to grow roots. I need to be still before God. I am in no rush to move out of my weakness.
The price has been high. Moving on, pushing myself to be strong...would destroy this all.
I will not move an inch until this weakness has finished that which it has been sent to do:
Create a new heart.
A new heart for me!!!
I love being weak. Weakness is not bad, not at all!
Weakness is a treasure chest in which a new heart can be found!
posted by thisfool @ 7:37 PM
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