have to write
I need to write...but where do I start? I can´t even find a title...a sigh, a deep sigh is all I can find, but I must write
I got a thank you note, just yesterday. It was filled with love and care. The person that wrote it is miles away...so far away.But it is not the distance that is weighing me down, her words...her words...her words were such heavy words!
What did she say? She said: "You are my pastor"
One of the ways God has crushed me was opening my eyes to the truth that I had done such a bad job as a pastor. Some of my friends will read this and will be tempeted to write and say "It is not so!", please don´t.
You see, that was God´s evaluation, not mine. For I was so blind that when I evaluated myself I gave myself a nine...with the highest score being a ten.
But when God evaluated me His eyes were full of rage; "You have lead my people astray!"
So many expected miracles didn´t come to be, because I didn´t teach people the right way.
So many families destroyed.
So many people in misery.
So many wondering if God existed at all.
A friend from church told me: "but Bea I heard what you said, it was good, it was okey..." I answered with shame "little one, the problem was not what I said...WHAT I DID NOT SAY is the problem"
It is true, some things I did not say because I knew that they were not a popular message, people did not care to hear about discipline, or self managment, or lust as sin. So many things that I accepted. So many things that I let go by. Pretended I couldn´t do anything about it, because I didn´t have a church given title that gave me the authority to confront. Mainly, I did not say anything because I wanted other people´s approval and recognition.
I am clever. I knew how much I could give without getting stoned. So I did say some things, to keep on the safe side, so nobody could accuse me of falling into the system, so I could go to bed and sleep well thinking I had done my share...let others take a part of what is going on!
But God, the God who is God and not some sort of "made up god", tested me...and rage filled His eyes.
I failed.
I still don´t understand why I am alive.
40 days I walked under His rage. 40 ...days
"YOU ARE BLIND!"
Those were His words. This was the other reason why I did such a bad job as a pastor. I was blind. I did not see. I tried to teach about God, without really understanding or accepting who He really is.So of course a lot of my teachings were only half right. Once again it was not what I said...what I did not say is the problem. The things I did not say because they were not an acceptable message and the things I did not say because I was ignorant of them.
"But why did God get so angry at you...it you did not know these things before?"
My friend, I was born in a christian family. I had a Bible since I was born.
What I did last year...I could have done it...30 years ago.
I had no excuse before God.
I had postponed facing God for 40 years! As I told you I am clever, I learned how to draw near Him enough to get the benefits I wanted from Him... annointing included. But I also learned that one can set a limit to how near you want Him to be- and that He will respect such a limit.
I guess the best way to put it is to say that I was playing a game of "give and take" with God. God I need this, and I am willing to give you this part of my life in exchange. I do not think God liked this. But He respected my will- it is part of what makes God ...God.
40 years, playing "give and take" game, just because there was sin which I did not want to give away.
If I hadn´t played this game, I would have known and accepted God as God before, and I would have taught my friends so many things that would have brought life into their lives...and now they would already be harvesting good fruits instead of death
This has crushed me. The burden is heavy...God has not taken it away- do not fight with Him, it is better this way.
But I will go further and share my heart with you, for this is not all the pain. I wish I were a better writer and could express myself better. I wish you could understand the pain, the agony that burns my soul. How desperate I feel in not being able to help you undertand what I am going through, not because I care for you to give me your comfort- my friend, my heart is beyond human comfort- but because I do not wish to see you here, in this place where the rage of God has taken me...how I wish you could avoid HIS wrath!!!!
How I wish you could avoid this pain!
Do not try to comfort me... there is no way you can... I did not dare face God and accept who He was, so many people hurting because of my selfishness!
Do not try to comfort me...there is no way you can...I played a "give and take" game with God...and my children, my little boys, my very own heart...they learned the game well and they are playing it hard...if they keep playing it they too will face God´s wrath!
........such deep pain!
I got a thank you note, just yesterday. It was filled with love and care. The person that wrote it is miles away...so far away.But it is not the distance that is weighing me down, her words...her words...her words were such heavy words!
What did she say? She said: "You are my pastor"
One of the ways God has crushed me was opening my eyes to the truth that I had done such a bad job as a pastor. Some of my friends will read this and will be tempeted to write and say "It is not so!", please don´t.
You see, that was God´s evaluation, not mine. For I was so blind that when I evaluated myself I gave myself a nine...with the highest score being a ten.
But when God evaluated me His eyes were full of rage; "You have lead my people astray!"
So many expected miracles didn´t come to be, because I didn´t teach people the right way.
So many families destroyed.
So many people in misery.
So many wondering if God existed at all.
A friend from church told me: "but Bea I heard what you said, it was good, it was okey..." I answered with shame "little one, the problem was not what I said...WHAT I DID NOT SAY is the problem"
It is true, some things I did not say because I knew that they were not a popular message, people did not care to hear about discipline, or self managment, or lust as sin. So many things that I accepted. So many things that I let go by. Pretended I couldn´t do anything about it, because I didn´t have a church given title that gave me the authority to confront. Mainly, I did not say anything because I wanted other people´s approval and recognition.
I am clever. I knew how much I could give without getting stoned. So I did say some things, to keep on the safe side, so nobody could accuse me of falling into the system, so I could go to bed and sleep well thinking I had done my share...let others take a part of what is going on!
But God, the God who is God and not some sort of "made up god", tested me...and rage filled His eyes.
I failed.
I still don´t understand why I am alive.
40 days I walked under His rage. 40 ...days
"YOU ARE BLIND!"
Those were His words. This was the other reason why I did such a bad job as a pastor. I was blind. I did not see. I tried to teach about God, without really understanding or accepting who He really is.So of course a lot of my teachings were only half right. Once again it was not what I said...what I did not say is the problem. The things I did not say because they were not an acceptable message and the things I did not say because I was ignorant of them.
"But why did God get so angry at you...it you did not know these things before?"
My friend, I was born in a christian family. I had a Bible since I was born.
What I did last year...I could have done it...30 years ago.
I had no excuse before God.
I had postponed facing God for 40 years! As I told you I am clever, I learned how to draw near Him enough to get the benefits I wanted from Him... annointing included. But I also learned that one can set a limit to how near you want Him to be- and that He will respect such a limit.
I guess the best way to put it is to say that I was playing a game of "give and take" with God. God I need this, and I am willing to give you this part of my life in exchange. I do not think God liked this. But He respected my will- it is part of what makes God ...God.
40 years, playing "give and take" game, just because there was sin which I did not want to give away.
If I hadn´t played this game, I would have known and accepted God as God before, and I would have taught my friends so many things that would have brought life into their lives...and now they would already be harvesting good fruits instead of death
This has crushed me. The burden is heavy...God has not taken it away- do not fight with Him, it is better this way.
But I will go further and share my heart with you, for this is not all the pain. I wish I were a better writer and could express myself better. I wish you could understand the pain, the agony that burns my soul. How desperate I feel in not being able to help you undertand what I am going through, not because I care for you to give me your comfort- my friend, my heart is beyond human comfort- but because I do not wish to see you here, in this place where the rage of God has taken me...how I wish you could avoid HIS wrath!!!!
How I wish you could avoid this pain!
Do not try to comfort me... there is no way you can... I did not dare face God and accept who He was, so many people hurting because of my selfishness!
Do not try to comfort me...there is no way you can...I played a "give and take" game with God...and my children, my little boys, my very own heart...they learned the game well and they are playing it hard...if they keep playing it they too will face God´s wrath!
........such deep pain!
posted by thisfool @ 4:47 AM
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