Mercy and grace

Last year God took me through 40 days of His wrath and then I moved onto 10 months of severe discipline.
Many things have changed. I am no longer the same, even though I still don´t have the heart I desire...I am no longer the same.
When I moved into that season, I moved out of church and my social activity was reduced to a minimum. Hard at first considering that I like people, I enjoy laughing. I like hugging and teasing people. But I had to be alone for two reasons: one was not to get distracted and the other was that most didn´t understand what I was talking about.
If I tried to talk on God´s wrath or His discipline most people got worried. Real worried, and would inmediatly point out to God´s mercy and grace. "God is love, Bea, God is love"
Even now I find it so hard to say: "Yes, but He is Holy and Just"...people just don´t relate.
I fought to find the right words to say: "Believe me, I do understand God´s mercy and God´s grace!"

I wake up in the middle of the night. I slowly move my fingers, I take a deep breath. I swallow hard. I am alive. I AM ALIVE.
I know God´s mercy. I know God´s grace.
I walked up to our plants yesterday and whispered: "you are alive, and so am I!!!!!!" Inside my soul was dancing. Outside I decided to refrain myself...no matter, I was alive. I AM alive.
I know God´s mercy. I know God´s grace. I walked through His wrath...no way to explain how come I am alive, except for mercy and grace.I know His mercy. I know His grace.
and, AND, and the beauty of our relationship now!!
I know His mercy. I know His grace. I know His love!
Such nearness, such gentleness, such peace, such freshness, such beauty...amazing grace!!!
Last Sunday, it rained. If you have never been through a draught this words cannot have the desired effect. But...last Sunday, it rained.
When spring was going into Bolivia I was brought to Mexico. I came into autum...never saw spring. What a long year it has been!!! Last Sunday it rained
I went out to the garden. Got soaking wet. I sat on our swing and lifted my face. I let the rain wash my tiredness away. Such a long walk, such a long year!
I closed my eyes and heard the rain. A symphony could never match up...this, my friend, was the FIRST rain!!!
"Lord...would you like to walk with me in the rain?" The answer was a lightning and a thunder,(the only one of the night)... God getting out of His throne, to walk with me in the rain.
We walked,and we talked some, but mainly we enjoyed our togetherness, our nearness, our friendship, our love...amazing grace...amazing grace...amazing grace.
"Dear Jesus" I whispered as I took His hand, "Thank you for paying the cost, thank you ever so much for the cross."
Such nearness...the cross.
Such friendship...His grace.
Such love...His mercy.

Do I understand God´s mercy and God´s grace?
My friend, I am alive AND near God!!!!

As Steven Curtis Chapman would say:
I am astonished and amazed.
I am speechles in Your presence now.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away
with this breathtaking view of Your grace.

Breathtaking Grace.
Astonishing Mercy.
GOD IS LOVE.
I am alive AND near God!!!