it was needed

I have them all in a folder. Nicely typed out, clear and organized.
My mission statement, my objective, my ministry, my defenition of church, my definition of revival, my description of the pastor I need, my vision, my plan.

I take a deep breath. I can't believe it is all there. So clear.
"God, couldn't you have sent me all of these by fax?"
God is God, He could have done it, instead He took me through three years of following Him in the dark.
"What are you doing God?
Why do you ask me to turn this way?
Shouldn't we have turned left a while ago?
Lord, I do not want to be negative...but we are losing everything- my testimony...my family...
Lord? are you listening to me?"

"Trust me. obey." Such constant words.
I wish you could understand what it has been like...walking in the dark, only His voice ahead of me, guiding my every step.
The result now lays on my desk, in a folder, nice and clear.
Couldn't we have done it any other way?
I insit with my question, even though I only think of it- not daring to ask out loud.
It has been hard- this walk in the dark.

God looks at me gently and asks. He asks ever so softly. It is as soft as my own question was.
"Bea Gasca, if I had sent it to you by fax, would you have believed me? Would you have thought it was possible? Would you have really understood the yearnings of my heart?"

All pain and weariness begins to wash away. I lean back on my chair.
"No, Lord, I would not have believed you.
No, Lord, I would not have thought it possible.
No, Lord, I would not have understood the yearnings of your heart.
Lord, you are right - it was needed. This long dark walk."

You guys, do you understand that we are talking about a revival in which the people's hearts will be intertwined? I have seen humans destroy each other, everywhere even in the church.
But I know that unity, love, dignity, respect all of these will be things that we shall see, I know that they are part of things that no eye has seen...
If God had told me this by fax- I would not have believed Him. It was through this walk
that I understood that this is part of the plan. And it is possible.

Do you understand that we shall live much of the book of acts? Not only the miracles ...the walk: God saying "go to the house in this town and you will find a man, his name is Peter, he has a message for you"
If God had told me this by fax- I would not have believed Him. It was through this walk
that I understood that it is part of the plan. And it is possible.

I know I have a long ways to go. But today I feel at the top of the mountain.
Of all the wonders, past and future.
Of everything fun, cool, awesome that I have done.
Of all the conclusions that I have reached.
Of all ....
I sit in silence at the truth that is spoken from God.
"Bea Gasca, you understand my deepest longings well."

"Father,
I have been complaining all this time, even today.
I am sorry.
Father, if it helps any to sooth your pain:
I would do it all again.
Father,
Thanks, for sharing your heart, your pain, your dreams, your longings with me.
Father,
Thanks, for making me your friend.
Father God,
I want to be your friend, for the rest of my life.
I love you.
I love you lots and lots.
In Jesus' name
amen.