The end

The end.
It sounds so abroupt.
But I know it is the end.
I have been writting a lot these months. Know it is time to be silent for a while.
So it is the end of this blog.

I have shared openly my joys and my sins...what a crazy thing to do.
But now I must move on.
With new seasons new tasks come.
In autum you sweep up leaves, in winter you shovel snow, in spring you watch tulips grow, in summer you look for rainbows in the sky...
each season a different task.
I must move on.

I have shared with love and with hope to unsettle you.
To make you wonder on your own life.
I have a feeling I have done so...so now I can relax.

I have shared openly to show you that spiritual people are human,
and thus because you are human...you too can be spiritual.

I have arisen questions,
more than given answers and
I now leave you with a huge challenge in your hands...

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?

Marx

Marx claimed that religion was opioum for the society.
I think he was right.

Jesuschrist is life.
100% true.

Our stickers claim we are not religion, we are life.
But since the world about us is rather dead,
well I reach the conclusion that we are death and not life.
Religious that is what we are.

And then again, Marx was right...religion is opioum to society.

So, I have set myself a task.
To become alive.

Vincent Van Gogh

Vincent Van Gogh
Some claim he was crazy. Some say he was a christian.
Of course real christians are ususally called lunatics.
No matter, his paintings still hit something in my soul.

My son and I are trying to put a puzzle together. It is a picture of Van Gogh.
As I sort out the pieces, which I find a rather complex job, I feel as if I was walking near his heart.
The colors are similar, yet the tones are different, and so are the strokes...I mean as I feel the tones, the texture the colors...I can almost feel his heart beat and think his thoughts.

And I am faced with THE question:
Am I really living, or am I just spending my days?

That man seemed to be alive, and at his side I seem to be dead.

now I am distracted

I get up with a clear idea: I am in Mexico, if I continue to wait to get to the countries God has talked to me about before doing anything I might never do anything (please note my lack of faith...or perhaps you had better not...)
So I make up my mind. I will write down my ideas clearly as to what to say to the leaders of the church here. And I will start to visit them. One by one. I just cannot stay still any longer and since I am not attending any church now I have the freedom to speak for myself and for God without the pressure from "my pastor" as to making him look bad. Perfect moment, I think.
But I choose to go into Yahoo instead of into Windows. God looks at me and says, you are going to get distracted. I assure Him I will not. I tell Him how good I am at handling "the situation" I will not open the letters I have gotten. I will go directly into the writing section...He teasingly says "yeah, sure...Bea, you are going to get distracted."
I ignore Him and open Yahoo. I see I have 4 letters, decide to only look at who they are from, and then decide to read...I mean...no harm can be done. I am sure I know what the letters say...
I am surprised by both.
and now I am distracted.

One is from Spain:
"Beatriz, you know you have a place at our home, we are looking forward
to having you with us for a couple of days. Let me warn you that I kiss a
lot and hug a lot so please get prepared...."

Now I am distracted.

The other letter is from Norway:
"Bea, God is really excited with Norway.... on my way back to Oslo it was raining and
the clouds were black. But then the clouds opened and the light shone through..and
God told me that this is what is going to happen in Norway..."

Now I am distracted.
I am gasping for air once more....

A friend just wrote complaining on the weather in Norway...and I have wonderful weather here... why would I care to go to Norway?
Isn't God near me here and now?

Yes, He is ...it is not about getting closer to God...I do not know how to explain it...but...
But I am now distracted.
Wondering a bit what God is really up to.
Wondering a bit what it will be like... and wondering why God insits so much.

Why is it important to Him?
Why does He not allow me to settle down? ...not even for some months, or weeks, or days...

My dear unsettling God,
I love you dearly and I say this with a huge smile.
I am here at your command.
Let me understand your plan, and allow me to walk in it.
You were right, I am now distracted. Hard to focus in Mexico now...
Your laughter makes it all worthwhile...how I love you so.
Go ahead and unsettle me God, do not let me get comfortable, unsettle me.
I am here at your command.
Now let me see the plan, and show me the steps I must take in order to get
to where you want me to be- for I have no clue as to how to do it. =)
I love you God.
I love you tons and tons.
Thanks for unsettling me, my life has been most fun due to your unsettling ways.
Thank you Jesus for the cross. Thank you for paying the cost. I love you lots.
Amen

my inheritance

It has been a rough ride. The problems in Bolivia have touched a very "delicate" part of my soul.
I actually like what I see in me- despite the crazyness, the anger and the frustration- :)
I see a soft heart.
And one that refuses to grow hard.
One that refuses to grow comfortable again.
One that refuses to kind of brush aside the reality in which millions live.
One that refuses to quiet God down....I fight with Him, but I listen...and hope to stop fighting one day.

And I was mentioning to someone of how sweet it really is.
I complain about my inheritance...or I have been doing so.
Why not a normal project?
Normal projects are hard and need people that are honest and hard workers and you can messuare the results...and I am the sort of person that takes great strenght from seeing results. That is why I like carpentry for example, I take a chair, work hard on it and then I can see the result of my effort. I strongly need this.

But my project (awaken the church) is not like that. The results are more abstract...and they are harder to get.
So as I mentioned to my friend on the fact that it was my inheritance a smile came upon my face.
You see, I sound so much like my father...well in a way. Except that he was more gentle.
My brother told me this the other day. He said "yes, dad spoke the truth but with love."

I also speak with love, perhaps it is harder to notice because I speak so loud.
But love for God and love for the church and love for the lost....this is what makes me lose everything else, even my gentle touch.

Dad died and in my grief I call out to God:
"My dad is dead. I come to collect my inheritance!"

And now here I am. Doing exactly what I had sworn I would never do:
attempt to awaken the church.

I saw my parents at it. I saw people's reactions. How strange...all these years and there is so little change.
Very same reactions from people:
"you exageratte" or "but we are doing the will of God!" or "you are bitter and rebellious!"

My inheritance.
What is the beauty of it?
Well, when I am settled ...I sit on a swing next to God and talk about it.
He tells me of how an awakened church will understand His heart and hear His voice and obey his commands
He tells me of how awesome it will be for thousands of people all over the world moving synchroniously without the need of international conferences, but since each person will have their eyes set on Him He will be able to direct the most splendorous symphony ever played.

How we will all just be in tune with Him to such a level that sin will be dismissed and the amount left we will be able to handle it in a mature straightforward way. And thus there will be life.
People will give money and that money will be used properly. People will understand their place, love it and enjoy it and feel fullfilled with it. We will be seeing miracles but we will also be in courts making sure justice is done. We will be worshiping in stadiums but once refreshed we will go to hospitals and to the poor.
We will learn to communicate.
Justice, love, unity...the foundation of it all.
God and not man the center of it all.
I will be able to say "I need to go to Congo" and someone else will say "I will give the dollars"
From there I will write and say "medicine is needed" and someone else will say I will send it .
and yet another will say "I am a doctor, I will go and live there"
Somebody in North Africa will pray "God send me help!" and someone else in México will hear the plea and say "Here I am I will go, I will go and comfort your people!" and someone in South America will say "I will pay for the trip!"

Soft hearts, willing to pay the price of listening to God.

"Bea, why the distances? why?" You may find the answer ridiculous but I truly believe that it is because that way true unity of spirit will be smelled. And because that way God will get all the honor. And because that way God can have more fun. He will be walking in the midst of what we would consider impossible- He just loves to walk in those waters.

"Bea! you are dreaming!"

No my friends, I am not dreaming...God is dreaming...this is His dream.
and for some devoid reason He chose me to dream with Him.
And I have chosen to dream.
I have chosen to believe.
This is my inheritance: to dream with God on an awakened church.

And when reality hits me I complain.
But when I sit on the swing, near Him and hear His heart sing with joy at the thought...
then I dream too, and smile at the thought.
I have gotten a great inheritance.

the last day

today is the last day of the 40 days.
I did not know what would happen in me during this time.
Yes, I know that now is time to kind of step out. We (God and I) have talked on many details so I will not lose my way as I move out.
But today I know it will be hard.
Last time I was with a group of believers in close relationship, we were literally breathing clouds. It was a most awesome time and extremelly difficult time to describe.

I think part of me had hoped that when the time to move on would come, I would be directly placed in such a season again. I was wrong. No such thing. A dry desert lays ahead.
It will be hard to go to the mission conference and try to stay focused. whithout killing anybody and without crying in public "for no reason at all"

I now wish this time did not have to end.
I believe God wants me to stir hearts out there. And I do not want to speak anything that sounds like I do not believe Him, so I will remain silent.

All I can add is that I do believe I am prepared, despite the fact that in a way I truly wish this time had not come to an end.

Indifference

I am glad I am not in Bolivia now.
I think I would have lost all, all, all.
Even now it is a real struggle to keep focused. To keep my eyes on THE plan. And to just breath deeply and believe that if I follow God's plan I will see justice done.

If I were in Bolivia where would I be?
In the hospitals? nope
In the streets feeding the kids? (there is no food in the city again) nope
In the church praying? nope
Talking to pastors, asking what they plan to do? nope

Where then would I be?
Out, with the people, throwing stones to the cops.

"Bea! That is not christian like!!!"
Maybe, maybe not.

I know it is not what God has in His plan for me. So I know I would be sinning.
But aside from that...
is it a sin to fight for justice with a gun?
I know, you will say it is.

So I will put it like this.
What is worse, to fight for justice with a gun or to pray for peace with total indifference?

Oh, because we do it. We pray for peace...but we are totally indifferent to the poor.

In Bolivia they site the city so food does not go to the rich...the real rich have plenty in store and are not really affected.The idea has been to create awareness of what it is like to lack... most people have only gotten angry at "the indians" whom they would gladly kill without remorse.
Last time I was there I could not sleep thinking of my christian brothers and sisters who had nothing to eat ...nothing; due to the problems El Alto suffered lack too...these people are poor, they cannot store food. They barely make a daily living, impossible to store. so I could not sleep.
But down in our part of the city...people were wearing shorts and taking their dogs out for a walk.
Restaurants were packed.
Chrisitans were there, having fun...maybe discussing a bit of politics but that was the only change.

Indifference. THAT is sin.
Years back there was a strong protest movement, it affected music to. There was a song that said:
"I only ask God one thing, that He will not let me become indifferent to the pain of my people."

I am glad I am not in Bolivia now. I would have lost everything...
but perhaps I would have found peace.
That peace that comes when you know you have not remained indifferent.
Peace that comes from bleeding with the poor.
Peace that comes from having stated with your own life "GOD disagrees with all this injustice!"

It will be years before I find such peace again...It is hard to follow God, to obey His command, to agree with His plan.
I struggle to get focused in the future, like Jesus did "for the joy that lays ahead" for much more than a day's fight....for much more. for much more.

I am glad I am not in Bolivia now.
I would have lost everything...even the justice I long to see.

Che Guevara

We have been having a debate at home. We are discussing if people are born with love or if we learn to love. And I state that we cannot love if we do not have God.
Not every body agrees with me. The reason stated being:
There are people who have loved others without knowing God.

I dare to say a bold statement. Perhaps they know God better than many of us who are in church.

El Che Guevara. For example. Young and handsome...spent his life with a dream: "justice for all"
He died in the jungle of Bolivia, fighting ...for justice. His dream.
He was a communist.
Did he know God?
You will tell me he didn't.
His life tells me he did.

June 1st, 2005

Mom always insists on my paying more attention to dates.
This is a date I have written down on my notebook.

Yesterday was one of those prophetic days from the start.
Yesterday morning I wrote an article on Genesis 18:14.
IS THERE ANY THING IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD?

I needed that question. It appears just like that in different places in the Bible. God insisted that I use the one in Genesis. I did. And the phrase I WILL VISIT YOU AGAIN kind of stuck along...as I started to write it even seemed out of place. But The Spirit insisted that I write it down, as I wrote on and stated my question "is it really possible that God would risk putting a revival in my hands again?" that phrase became the key part of the story.
Yet something inside me stirred. Something that I did not write out.
The pharase finishes in:
I WILL VISIT YOU AGAIN IN A YEAR.

I was using my Bible in English, so I went to get my Bible in English. I knew there was something about that phrase and so I thougth I should write it down...to see what would happen in a year from now.
To my surprise there was a date already written down besides that verse.
MAY 13th, 2004

I slowly and carefully wrote
JUNE 1st, 2005

That is a year's difference. A year ago God had promised to visit me about this time.
I started to pray. It was one of those instant connections, where prayer is not forced it comes so smooth from the inner parts of the soul. As I moved about the motions of the day (wash dishes, mop, prepare class etc) I prayed. I prayed. I prayed.
After lunch I came up to my room. I prayed.
Suddenly I felt as if God had asked me a question but in my mind I could not get the quesiton, but I knew the answer. "YES! Lord, I agree with your will!"
Despite my weakness I dragged myself near, I reached up and signed the contract.
"YES! I AGREE!"

The sky suddenly grew dark and a strange storm hit Puebla. The wind was real strong, tore down some branches, posts and signs... It poured...and there was one thunder. Only one. That was strange. All along I simply kept praying "YES! I agree with your will!"

The storm lasted one hour. Then the sun shone again for the rest of the day.
God had kept His promised.
God had visited me.

I went to bed early.
"I want to sleep" was my only prayer. I was reminded of the postpartum tiredness, but it was not as the mother's tiredness, it was the baby's tiredness. Like being born. The change was not done inside of me. It was outside of me. The circumstances changed. The black cloud that had constantly been over my life was taken away.
I was taken from a dark place and set in a place full of light.
I feel so fresh, so clean, so free.

I woke up and my first thought was "I do not want to get out of bed, I do not want to spoil what I have been given"
But suddenly a strong sense of responsability filled me. No, whatever was given is something that must be taken care for.
I see the land that must be cultivated. The land that is now under my responsability.
It is beautiful. No rubbles around, the stones have been taken out, no weeds or any other plant...the soil looks fresh, recently rained upon, and it smells rich.
Somebody has done a lot of work...something inside me tells me that THAT somebody has been me, with God's help- definitely God's work.
I now deeply sigh as I see that all those years of work have paid of. Praying, fasting, reading my Bible, yes, even fighting with God. Pushing for a real change, pushing for more, not being satisfied...not conforming to this world.
I look at my land. The Lord standing silently by my side.
Both of us amazed and thrilled. IT IS DONE.

I kneel down by the soil and place some in my hand, I can smell its strength.
I notice that I am also filled with strenght, tiredness and lost hope are gone.
The sun shines. There is hope.
I look across the field. It is wide, it is big.
And idea hits me "The real work has just begun"

But I am not tired. I am strong. I find no fear at all inside my heart. No fear at all.
A brave heart...
and a humble heart. One that knows it cannot do the job alone. The land is wide, I will need a lot of help. But today not even that thought grieves me, for I know that this breakthrough was also a task of many.
A task of many FOR many.

I turn to Jesus and humbly pray:
"Please give us the grace to cultivate the things you want harvested"

The real work has just begun.
I know it is in God's heart to give us abundant grace.
Grace to cultivate the things He wants harvested.

One of them being: 100% obedience.
The real work has just begun.

All glory and honor be to God!
All glory and honor be to God!