take a deep breath

Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath, Bea.

I keep telling myself this. I just got a letter from someone who hardly ever writes. And I am glad he hardly ever writes.
His wife and this guy have turned my life upside down. I do not think they know all that they have affected my life. They will be used in a tremendous way in the revival in Africa.

so he writes back and says:
"Shall I pray for your migration to Norway?
I do not think you only want to pray about the revival from another continent.
I am certain you want to be in the unfolding of it.
¿si o si? (which means yes or yes)"

He does not really leave room for a no, but suddenly I am faced with the idea MIGRATION...
migration...migration to Norway. Not a short visit. MIGRATION.
would it be possible? migration.
would it be possible?
to be in the unfolding of the revival...not just pray for it..

Take a deep breath, Bea. Take a deep breath, Bea. Take a deep breath, Bea.

Bugging out

Bugging out is the title of an article in a National Geographic magazine. It was written in March 2000. It is not the main article. The main article was on Madidi's National Park in Bolivia. This other article is basically the journal of the photographer that accompanied the man that wrote the article.
The photographer was 3 weeks in Bolivia.
He visited some places that I visited. And he mentions some indigenous groups that I visited.
These are some of his notes:

Nov. 23...things scream here all night. Birds and bugs, I'm told.

Nov. 27.... In town we visti a woman bedriden for 6 weeks with a stingray bite. "Stingrays hurt so bad for so long, I've seen grown men cry like babies," Rosa María says.

Nov. 29...I touch a moth tonight, then wipe sweat from my face. I spend the next few hours with my face and hands on fire. Bugs here are toxic, Rosa María says.

Dec.4...Marcelo, our lead boat driver, tells a quick pig story as we pack up to leave.
"We were hunting the chanchos (pigs) last year near the Río Beni, not far from here. We saw a group of fifty. We killed ten. This made them mad. They charged us. We ran and climbed trees. One of my friends didn't get high enough, and the chanchos pulled him down. We heard screams for a while, then waited to come down. When we found him, we found only pieces. Many pieces."

Dec. 12... No fillings or repair work done in this part of the world. Teeth are simply pulled out, usually without anesthetic.

Dec. 16...I find my first boro, buried deep in the back of my left hand. Later in the day something much worse happens: I run out of toilet paper. Some leaves have painful toxins on them. I discover this the hard way.

Dec. 17...Choco shows me his foot, which has big red ants with enourmous black pincher hanging off it. Their jaws are so big and strong that they are used like stiches to clamp both sides of a wound together.

Dec 21... We boat back to town.

Dec. 22... María vistits the doctor, who removes a boro more than an inch long from her leg.
It's almost Christmas, and I'm more than ready to go home. I feel for the people here. Poverty abounds. Everything is worn out or broken. The kids in town swim in raw sewage. Rosa María points out that most of the world lives like this.
I know she is right. But I'm beat, and I just want to sleep.
Now, if only the boro in the back of my hand would do the same.

Editor's note: 8 weeks after Sartore returned from a second trip to Bolivia a wound on his lower leg began to grow. He had contracted leishmaniasis- caused by a flesh -eating parasite- throught the bite of a sand fly. The infection was eventually controlled by a combination of surgery and a 21-day intravenous treatment of an antimony compound. He will know in then years if he's fully cured.

I finished reading and later I had to go out for a walk (my way of digesting ideas). Something is moving inside my heart. Something I wish to keep quiet, for there is little I can do now.
But I also had other thoughts in my mind.
First I thought of how blessed we had been. In none of the trips we took did we have any sort of real complication. Hot weather and mosquitoes. But no tiger attacks, or snake bites...all was too smooth to be considered anything but a blessing. A true blessing. Angels watching over us.
and then I reread the last paragraph:
I am more than ready to go home.
I am tired, and I just want to sleep.

They are the same words that I said...after 11 years of living in Bolivia.
I have rested, but I am not ready to go back.
I simply refuse to go back alone and without the right strategies to actually get some justice done.
The church must be awakened...how on earth do you do that?
I do not know. But I will find out.

cactuses

We have a collection of cactuses. Very interesting plants and beautiful. They can have the most stravagant and interesting flowers. They are even cautivating in the sense that they do not bloom as easily as roses, so you have to be observing them carefully so you don't miss their flowers. There are some which bloom exactly once a year and their flower lasts only one night, of course if you have one of these you do not sleep that night!
But people are people and they are not meant to be like cactuses. BUT we are. No matter the country no matter the age (exept for babies and some kids) most people are like cactuses...because they have been hurt.
I can see the beauty in people and I try to get near, but they usually push me aside. It is like...cactuses. Yes, I like your company, yes I need you to water me once in a while, it is nice to know you are around....BUT do not get too close, do not get too close.
I have been struggling to make people understand that DOING is not what happens first, what should happen in first place is the BEING. But they are still  very busy in the doing...and then somebody writes and tells me:
WHEN I AM BUSY I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF THE PAIN.

And suddenly I understand.
And suddenly I feel strong pity for the people in ministry who are always keeping themselves busy... I understand.
Ministry is hard. You love people, you carry them in your prayers, you call them, you reach out...constantly reach out, constantly reach out. Constant giving, constant giving, constant giving...but then comes the times when one needs...and nobody is around to give.
Nobody is there to hold your hand, to hold you tight, to say "I understand"
and
to make it worse, so often these people, the ones you have given yourself up to- they turn their backs on you, they bite you, they talk behind your back.
Once when my dad was hurt in church, I remember thinking: "they are like vipers, they suck up all the good in him, and then kick him out of the club" He was no longer useful for their purposes, so they turned their backs on him. I am glad my dad is in heaven now.
I now understand people in ministry who never seem to stop. They can be told over and over to stop, to stay still, but I think the pain is too great. The pain of stopping and looking around and discovering that you don't really have friends. Not friends, friends.
Some people work with cars all day, so at least when they are lonely they have a reason...at least a reason that does not hurt. Cars cannot be friends.
But ministers, they give themselves out to people. So it must be extremely painful to realize that you dont have friends. Nobody to be natural with. Nobody with whom you can talk about your "things" problems or silly ideas or dreams...
Of course, not only ministers go through this. People are extremely lonely and hurt everywhere you go. And it is sad to see that even in church people continue to keep very much to their own.
That is why we like meetings and seminars and conferences and all of that...they do give us a sense of togetherness without real compromise.
I think we all walk around with one very clear idea: I do not want to be hurt again.
and some may even think: I do not want to hurt others again.

I was never good at math. And now I feel as if I were trying to solve a math problem.
I look at God and ask Him to help me figure it out.
Church is about people SHARING God and life...but most people are like cactuses, they DO NOT want to share their life with anybody.
It is more important to BE than to DO, but it is more painful.
And to sit still before God is dangerous...turning of the worship songs...and after a while of sitting still you soon have prayed all the prayers you now and that sound good...what then?
Then you must face the pain.
And we do not want to do that, basically because we have never been taught how to deal with pain.
So how do you get near cactuses without getting hurt? And how do you put a whole bunch of cactuses together and help them to be friends? to hug each other?
This is my math problem.
I guess the answer would be to take the thorns out, but most cactuses do not want to let go of their thorns, because they do not want to be hurt again.

So I allow God to take out the thorns, I do not want to have thorns. BUT when I reach out, I always get pricked by other people's thorns. So I have drawn back.
And I am in a mess, I like people, I do not want to be away from them. BUT honestly I am tired of getting hurt.

I am not sure about the HOW TO DO IT but I know that church is not what we have now. I have been complaining because we do not reach out the church wall but suddenly I realize we do not even reach out to the people INSIDE the walls.
No matter the amount of people or the amount of doctrine, we do not know how to love.

 LOVE and UNITY are to be the key elements of revival.
We have a problem. A big problem.
Prayer? we have prayed enough, we have even prayed for love and unity within the church.
It is time we start to get rid of our thorns, It is time we reach out, it is time we learn to handle other people's thorns.
It is time to learn to give and accept correction. It is time we learn to draw near, really near. It is time to take a step out of our safe place and to open our hearts.

I am preaching to myself
Easier said than done.

I Samuel 17:46

TODAY THE LORD WILL HAND YOU OVER TO ME;
I WILL KILL YOU AND CUT OF YOUR HEAD....
AND ALL THE WORLD WILL KNOW THERE IS A GOD IN ISRAEL.
I Samuel 17:46

Do you feel the passion? Not a passion to become king. Not a passion to impress others so that later he would get a place in the army. His passion was his friend, his God.
And you know what?
I think God laughed, the kind of laughter that you laugh when you know that you are loved...deeply loved. The kind of laughter that comes from just too much joy inside of you...you just can't keep it inside...it has to come out. And so it explodes into laughter.

We easily get lost in our aims as christians.
I lost my friendship with Jesus once...not that long ago. Oh, I heard Him alright, because our working relationship was just fine. He was the boss, I his employee. We did a good job. But our friendship...that I lost.
"Bea Gasca, one thing I have against you...you have lost your first love. And for you it might not be a big deal, but you must understand that this was the reason that I went to the cross. I paid the price so I could walk with you in the afternoons, as I did with Adam and Eve. Now you are so busy that we hardly ever talk."

Do you know why God took me to Norway? When I was there I saw that everything is done, there is nothing for me to do. Not really, His plans will be just as He has spoken them to be. So, I looked up to Him and I asked. "Why did you bring me?" and He answered "When a woman gets pregnant she runs to tell her friends. I am pregnant, I wanted to share it with my friends. You are my friend."
That was all. No other "big" deal.
I lost it. I lost it when I decided that listening to Him was really turning my life upside down. I was losing all control, and I was not sure I liked His plans. Plans way too high for me to understand.
I lost my friendship with God. When I saw that He had plans for me that others frowned upon. They did not understand.

So I stood up and turned my back on my one and only true, true friend.
"I will listen no more! This is too much! There must be a limit to Your craziness!"
I hurt my friend.
He stepped back and grew silent.
I fell into a dark, cold, and confusing season.
"My Lord! My friend! I have been such a fool!!!!
I am so sorry...I take my words back!!!
I do want to listen to you, Your deep pain included, and your concept of romance...I will sit and listen to You! When everyone is too busy, just dial my number I will stop, I will listen to you. I will BE there for you...NO MATTER WHAT....no matter what...and I will do my very best not to complain of your choice and your ways. Jesus, I will sit down and listen to you tell me about the beauty of your bride and how you yearn for your wedding day.I will listen to you, I will BE there for you. I will BE your friend...
My Lord! My friend! How I need you...I cannot possibly take another step without your smile, your laughter...your tears...I need your tears to soften my heart. I need your laughter to enlight my life. Please forgive, please forgive my anger, my frustration, but above all please forgive me for my unbelief. I laughed at you when you spoke of your bride. I called you a fool for seeing her so pretty and perfect.
My friend, I have lost you. I know that you are right. I have hurt you. Why would you care to share with me your dreams, your plans if I have mocked at them before? I have told you it was impossible, it simply could not be so.
Will you forgive me? I need you so much!"

It took a long time, before He spoke to me as a friend again. A long time.
A friendship must be taken care off. If you put shit on a plant it blooms, but never try it on a friend- it kills your friendship. And then you must start all over again.
Amazaing Grace. Amazing love.
It has been a while, but now we speak as before. We just cant wait till class is over to be together...and there is so much to share, so much to talk about...
Why did He forgive me?
I do not know.
But now and then, when we grow quiet I look at Jesus from the corner of my eyes, and I wonder on this kind of love...a love that remains NO MATTER WHAT.

I Samuel 20:41

AS SOON AS THE SERVANT LEFT, DAVID CAME OUT OF HIS HIDING PLACE
AND, ....THEY KISSSED AND CRIED TOGETHER,
UNTIL DAVID DISCLOSED HIS GRIEF.
I Samuel 20:41

Jonathan was David's friend. Jonathan was insulted by his dad. His dad got upset, he knew that as long as David was alive Jonathan's kingdom was in danger. Saul wanted to kill David, so his son would become king. Jonathan knew God's will was that David be king. Jonathan chose to protect David.
I have heard many people say that when they go to heaven they want to ask David about the day he killed Goliat, the giant. I would like to talk to him about that specific moment. The moment that he had a shoulder to cry on...a friend.
I do not know if David will talk about it, maybe he will just smile gently and tell me "that day is too close to my heart...I rather keep it there."
Friends. We do not know how to have them. Humans are capable of building the most complex structures. But they do not know how to build a relationship.
The fear to be hurt is real. but I believe there are even bigger enemies to a relationship, and one of them is fame. It is true we will not become movie stars, but in our own world, in our own society...we strive for fame. For recognition. For the applause of those around. And anybody that may steal this from us becomes our enemy....even our friends.
Jonathan, when did you adopt David in your heart?
Maybe it was that afternoon that David fought against Goliat. What did you see in him?

Some may think that Jonathan was impressed by David's boldness...more so his wittiness. A young kid, standing up not only to the giant, but in a way to the nation of Israel. For he did speak harsh words to the giant, but he also spoke defiantly to the King and to the army of the All Mighty God.
Jonathan were you struck by words such as:
"Nobody needs to be afraid, I will go and fight that giant?".

I see Jonathan studying David from afar. Not speaking a single word. But his eyes not departing from David, not even for a second. Studying him, trying to understand... his spirit moved. Was it possible? Is it true?
Jonathan had grown up in Israel. He had heard about God all his life. But God seemed so distant...so far, but then David spoke of God in such a casual way...as if He knew Him...as if David were God's friend.
Jonathan was impressed by the zeal in David's words, in his eyes...his eyes were filled with fire and anger. Somebody had spoken badly of his friend, and he was going to put that person in his place. NOBODY would speak badly of his friend, at least not while he was alive.
"When the bears would come, I would kill them with my bare hands" These words did not impress Jonathan, what impresse him was that David stood there, a young lad, but speaking as if ...as if God were real, really real.
"God, who saved me from the lions, can do the same with this pagan..."

Jonathan was impressed even more, when those words turned out to be true.
Of course Jonathan would not kill David, he was the man that knew God, and knew him as a friend. Furthermore, it was obvious that God knew David as a friend too.
Jonathan was different from his father, Saul also knew that God was with David, but Saul lusted after the kingdom/pulpit/control/fame. Jonathan? He was attracted to the Lord more than to the kingdom, he longed for God. Chances are high that David taught Jonathan how to draw near God, at least his example encouraged him to do so.
Loyalty and faithfullness filled Jonathan's heart. He would stand by David no matter what.
No matter if David fell, he would stand by his side.
No matter if David shone, he would stand by his side.
They were friends.

Two thoughts hit me:
I would like to be a friend like Jonathan who loved God above all else, including himself, to at least a small group of people (thirty would be fine). In order to remain loyal to them no matter what.... is it too high a goal?
and
I would like to have friends who love God above all else, including themselves, at least a small group of people (Thirty would be fine). So they could remain loyal to me no matter what...is it too high a goal?

I trust not. For this is the real concept of church.

being a prophet

How strange can being a prophet get?
Well, you shall see. But first you must read the following:

Now I can tell you
by Beatriz Gasca
So we meet again! It´s been 25 years a long time!
Remember that sunny evening at the central bus station where we said good-bye? We were both young and full of energy. Both of us wanted to change the world, "make it a better place to live,"we said. We were sure we could do it. How? we weren't sure.
So we parted, and as I traveled I searched.
I met a boy begging for food, how glad was he to get a piece of bread! I thought, "It´s so simple! If there is no hunger there will be happiness" So I fed them all, but it wasn't the answer. Unhappiness remained.
So I traveled on, still with hope I would find a way...and then I saw the warmth the laughter of children brought, surely this was the answer! I made them laugh, their laughter filled the air. But still Unhappiness remained.
I moved on. I was getting tired. Then I saw that work made people tired so I gave them freedom from their labor, and...it wasn't the answer.
I worked for many years, they seemed thousands and didn't find any answer. Was I ever to find the answer? people wanted to be happy, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't give them happiness. I felt tired, weak, heartbroken, useless and hopeless.
I sat down and cried.
Everything was so confusing, so dark, and cold.
How long did I stay in that torn world? I have no way of telling.
I only remember my soul screaming for help.
It screamed in an anguished tone which I had never known before and it chilled my skin.
It chilled my soul.
I was sick and needing healing.
Slowly, real slowly I started to walk out of the confusion and my senses began to come alive.
My ears heard the laughter of the wind and the leaves as they played together, my ears heard the river singing as it went on its way. They heard the flipping of the butterflies' wings and as they were busy hearing my nose began to smell...ohh! such delicious things it smelled! The perfume of the grass and the warmth of the sunshine and soon my skin became alive and it felt the heart beat of the trees and the petting of the wind. And what a spectacle it was when my eyes opended!!!
I was speechless.
How did it all come to pass? How did I change from a torn world into this extasis?
I had called out to God, and He listened,
I gave Him a broken heart and He healed it with His love.
He gave me what everybody wants, a listening ear, a little love...happiness.

My friend, when we parted we had a question. I had hope and was sure I would be able to tell you the answer, someday....
My friend, NOW I CAN TELL YOU.

Now sit back and tell me: When did I write this?
Those of you who know that I had a "breakdown" last year and thus left ministry and church life will most likely tell me that I wrote this about a week ago. Because it has taken this much time to get strong and to consider reaching out to people again.
Now, sit back and listen to the truth:
I wrote this 25 years ago.
Here in Puebla. In a warm and sunny morning.

When I had NOT done any of the things I have done, and I had not fallen into the darkness and pain, and when I had not felt the beauty of the world as I do now.

cool, no?
I sat down and wrote... a prophesy of my very own life.
and I find it and read it, exactly 25 years later.
and so many details are so exact...even the listening to the butterfly's wings...
and of course the coolest part is that:
NOW I CAN TELL YOU.

broken heart

so, I have been writing on friends and how special it is to have them.
And I bet some people sigh and think things like "well, you are different, that is why it is easy for you to have friends" or "in your country people are nicer" or "you have never been hurt like I have"

Well, I do not know how you have been hurt. This afternoon I was cleaning my papers. The ones I had left here before moving to Bolivia. I wrote the following at least 23 years ago:

People are nice, you say
that they are full of great feelings and joys
but people harm me as they play
My feelings, thoughts, ideals...these are their toys.
They don't care if they are torn
They do not notice if they are hurt
They take me apart
and loose the parts
but they do not care
they are full of hate
So you see you are wrong
They do not know the meaning
of gret feelings like love and care
They are strange, I do not understand them
And I loose all hope...
For I know I am one of them.
Beatriz Gasca

I like it. It expresses my thoughts perfectly. AND I had NOT gone through the pain of divorce.
You can bet life is hard. People are sinners- including me. Sin in us takes so much beauty away from life... no matter the place where you live, no matter your personality...life is hard.

But I do not want to leave you with a gloomy thought, so I will share something else I wrote way back then. I remember when I wrote this perfectly. I was visiting Monterrey, it was a sunny Sunday, and even if I was in the sunday morning service I had just returned from a walk near the river:

Make a little poem about love, sugar and sunshine.
Write a sweet poem about children, rivers and butterflies.
Draw a picture of sweet smells, warm air and great mountains.
- and then feel yourself changing,
Take a break and realize that fresh bubles in the depth of yout heart are
leaving their deep sleep and are becoming alive.
Be peaceful and quiet, rest as those bubbles get full of joy,
feel them as they start racing through you,
and you will see that the joy they carry has now become a part of you,
and soon very soon you both will burst...
and laughter will fill the air.
Freedom has once again gained a victory and
joy is the prize won...
life has become a treasure.
Beatriz Gasca

Too bad I did not keep more of what I wrote, I read them and I smile...they are not bad..huh?
could be polished a little, but it expressed myself just right.

Now my friend let me tell you one more thing I found.
I found a postcard. It has a picture and a Bible verse.
In the back there is a small note and signed as: "Guess who".

This was written years ago....years and years ago...
I looked at the hand writting and I GUESSED WHO!!!!!
and I still keep in touch with this friend.

So some people will pass by and soon will be forgotten. Others you will never forget but you will lose contact. Some will come and go, but never really let go. Others will tear you apart...and yet God has provided that we should be able to find some that will never depart, and will make your soul feel complete and loved.
But we must reach out.

Linda's wedding

I see this wedding as the funnest wedding I have ever been too. Very different in many aspects, but definitly fun.
Linda is like my mom's grand-daughter. She is a very special kid, I still see her as a kid... you could see "her touch" in everything. But mostly in the fact of how many friends were there.
My son was asked to get his haircut the day before the wedding. He obeyed. When we got there I smiled as I saw the groom in his tuxedo wearing his long hair in a pony tail...ji ji ji. And of course most of his friends wore their hair long.
The pastor was "a clown" as the adults described him. But since most of the people attending the wedding were young...we had most fun. The atmosphere was relaxed and gentle.
What can I say? I had fun.

But it was also a special day for me. It is the first time that I am really out, since I returned to Puebla. And ran into old friends. Their hearts were full of love and care. "Are you ok?" "how are the boys?" "After your divorce I thought you would come back sooner...you took a long time" (ten years)
Their loving eyes, their care, their pain for my divorce and my boys being left behind and then the joy of having me back warmed my heart in a tremendous way.
We sat at the table with Linda's parents, their son sat at the table with us too. For a while it was as if we were the only ones. We are so close dispite the time...the distance, we were not their friends...we were a family. I could feel my mom's soul receiving healing too. For so many years she had had to go alone, now she was accompanied, by her daughters, her son-in-law and her grandson. She no longer was alone.
Loneliness...it is a place we were never meant to be...

One of my dad's friends came to welcome me, my son stood at my side. The man proudly announced "I was your grandfather's friend." Those words were full of love and pride of having known a special man, and they even cracked a bit...at the tought that his friend is gone.
His words moved my heart in a very special way.

Friends, we must never give up, we must always reach out, the reward is high. I have been gone for more than 11 years. I come back and I am welcomed in love.
I know it will be the same when I go to Bolivia. Friends will be there to welcome me with a bear hug.

As I moved through the motions yesterday afternoon, this one thought hit my mind:
this is church.
this is life.

I am convinced it was God's intention that it should be like this, fun, gentle, care and love filled...
This is church.
This is life.

not impulsive

"You are not impulsive" Those were the words with which God woke me up today. I opened my ears... "Bea, think- impulsive means to do something without much thought. How long have you been thinking on Norway?" I started to get a warm feeling inside, I like it when God talks to me like this- gentle, kind and with a twinkle in His eyes. I thought it was when I took my first missionary trip to the jungle and then discovered that the missionaries who had worked in that area where from Norway. "nope...think again, it was before that" Before? Well, I do remember studing about the laponians and liking their coats when I was just a child...but I ...."Lord, I give up...when did you seriously begin to talk to me about Norway?" "Helge Adolfsen" BANG my mind opened and so many things became so clear..so easy to understand!!! idea after idea started to match up and suddenly the picture was very clear. Yes, that pastor and his wife had always stirred my heart. I was never allowed to become part of their congregation. But I always enjoyed the times when I heard him preach and on some occations we got to share a bit. It was such a little tiny bit that you may wonder why I would feel so close to them. Now I understand. THEY WERE FROM NORWAY. I bet a lot of people will say "I think you are exagerating on this Norway bit...yes they are nice...but..." No, I know that I know that they are different. They have an inheritance that makes them different. They do not know it themselves...at least most don't. I remember the first time that I saw Helge. I was in the church's offices doing a translation. He walks in and my spirit was stirred. Like when Mary went to visit Elizabeth and Elizabeth says "the baby in my womb jumped as you drew near." Same story. My spirit knew something that I did not know. And then whenever I got to talk to them, I felt the same. Once there was this breakfast where many pastors were invited to go. And I got to sit at their table!!!! I felt so priviledged. They were with two other people from Norway so they would speak Norwegian and I just sat there and drank from the atmosphere. I did not understand why I was so attracted to these people. Now I understand. By the way, later on I found out that they were some of the missionaries that had worked on the River Beni, the place in the jungle that I visited. They had worked there for many years while they were young, but had to leave once they got older. "Do you now understand that you are not impulsive? Bea Gasca I have been stirring your heart for this country for more than eight years. In fact if you ask me...my child you are kind of slow." smile. He is right, I have been slow and stubborn and blind. Now I understand why He kept saying NO. All those projects that He did not allow me to plan. People pressuring me to come up with a plan..."give us a plan so we can support you!" God simply saying NO. It seemed like pure madness then...it was never madness. His plans were others, plans which I myself at the present do not fully understand. but I am filled with this strong and powerful sense that what He has in mind is awesome- way beyond my imagination (and I do have a good imagination) Wow... I look back at the time when I wanted to build my house in the jungle. God said NO. I cried so much. I did not understand...I did not understand...I simply did not understand that His ways are higher than ours. Now He calls me slow. and I am filled with the assurance that night is almost over, soon it will be dawn and there will be a day ahead for me to live...in Norway.

Norway's flag

Tone writes and tells me she has opened a blog..."it is in Norwegian but the pictures are universal"
She couldn't have said it better.
I open the blog, look for the pictures. The first picture: there she is with all her teeth showing. My heart leaps for joy, my lips form a huge smile and my eyes get filled with pride. She looks well. I am glad.
Then my eyes look at the rest of the picture, and there on the table there is the Norwegian flag.
and I fall apart.
What is going on in Norway? Why does God do this to me?
"Bea, are you complaining?"
Yes.
I hate to accept it but the answer is yes. He knows how impulsive I am. He knows how hard it is for me to take one step at a time instead of just taking a huge jump. He knows that it requieres huge amount of energy for me to focus on the doing the present right in order to get to the place I am aimed at tomorrow.
so why does He do this to me?
It was a small flag on Tone's table. But now I am in tears. Why cant I be there now?
My head begins to read the reasons out loud, but I am not listening. I can only listen to my heart.
I guess it was Norway's...what was it? I don't think it would be independence day...I know they are one of the few nations in the world that has never been conquered. They are conquerors, they have never been conquered. Anyhow, they had a parade to celebrate in Australia. I saw that picture and my heart said...that is the way it is going to be..Norwegians will move all about the earth proclaiming the truth....I know it will be that way. God showed me that even before I went to Norway. He spoke to me about it as I discovered that the missionaries that had been working in the jungle had been from Norway.
The jungle...the place no one wants to go to...there Norwegians went. They have viiking blood...they will go anywhere. It will be that way again.
But now the people in Norway are discouraged and not really sure of what to do in order to get there...and me...I am in Mexico, teaching English and going to the dentist...yes, I am also doing my bit with my family...and yes, I will be ok. In His time.........AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!
..... I will get to Norway.
just pray that I do not go insane meanwhile... ja ja ja
ps. I am apologizing to the Lord right now...

my teacher

We just celebrated teacher's day. My mom suggested that we would remember the teacher that impress us the most. We did and it was fun.
So tonight I want to share to you about the teacher that has taught me the most. The one that I will forever be most thankful too:
Jesus.

He has walked by my side everyday. And He has taught me so much!!!

He has taught me to enjoy nature. He is the one that often makes me stop my busy going about to enjoy a butterfly, a flower, a night sky, a bird, a cloud, some rain.
He has taught me to have confidence in what I do.
He has taught me how important it is to laugh.
He has taught me how important it is to cry.
He has taught me to live passionatly, making the most of every day.
He has taught me so much...
He has taught me to reach out, to get near people, to love them and to enjoy them.
Because I am fragile, people have always been a challenge for me. I do not enjoy getting hurt.
I do not know exactly how Jesus did it, but he has taken me to this place where I just need some amount of contact with people. Real contact. Soul to soul contact.
I consider this to be one of my favorite lessons.
I know there are mean people out there and I try to avoid them, but then there are so many others that are so interesting and fun (sinful, yes...but...)
I sat there this afternoon looking at the big red sun going off to bed, and I giggled as I thought "I actually miss the phone ringing all day!"
It has been a long year. And rather slow in many ways. But it is coming to an end. And I am tickeled to discover that I am glad. Because I missed being in a noisy room. I missed having to bake to have something to share. I missed having to have kleenex to give to whom was crying in my arms. I missed speaking for hours on the phone.
I do plan to be more careful. I plan to not over do it again. But I am glad it is time to be out there again. Soon I will be making new friends.
Jesus taught me to expect good from others.
Jesus taught meto see the beauty in each one.
Jesus taught me that we heal after we get hurt.
Jesus taught me not to lose hope.
Jesus taught me to reach out.
Jesus taught me.
He can teach you.
May Jesus find a classroom in your heart so he may teach you how to live LIFE.

time to fly!

My stomach is filled with butterflies!!!
I am soooo excited!
I love life.
and I love God...I guess the right way to put it is: I love living near God.
He is cool.

Last year I clearly heard Him call me into 40 days of prayer. I remember I could see the clouds of a storm, but the wind was a gentle fragant breeze. It did not seem to match up. but God is like that - very controversial.
It was like that, the storm of facing His wrath, the fragance of receiving His discipline and guidance.
You guys, you have no idea of how glad I am that I stopped. Stopped ministry and church life...it seemed madness, but again God is controversial, it was in such obedience that I found God again and got things straight in my heart and in my mind.
Now I am ready to start.
God calls me to 40 days of prayer and I just know, I just knew it was a time for change again... and I was ready for it...I seem to have rested enough =)
So, I gladly announce that I know the congregation I will join.
TARARA!!!!
surprised?
They will be too. ja ja ja
The principal pastor and his wife used to be my youth pastors...sweet no? I wonder how they will react...ji ji
BUT believe it or not I bet you anything they will be glad, and so will I.
Many years have gone by since we walked together in the past, now I have wrinkles and white hairs...he has gained weigth and lost some hair...his wife looks great.
I believe we have gained experience, and we haven't lost our love for God.
It will be most interesting...most fun.

I am ready to fly. It will be good to reach out again, to strech out my wings and flutter all over...
Last night a girl that is a missionary visited us, she knew nothing of us so she talked to us as missionaries talk to people when they are trying to get them interested in missions. ji ji ji
It was cute, mom and I kept looking at each other with a mischevious look, but we did not say anything.
I was silent most of the time (can you believe it?) I was observing God, I knew He had something in mind, and He just kept looking at me with a mishevious look too.
I am most excited about what is going to come...my mind way to small to even really try to grasp it, but my spirit, my spirit has seen God's look. I am tremendously excited...
So it is time to fly...
let the show begin!!!

My quest for life 2

I just finished writing on my desire to find a way to live life in the midst of serving God. But LIFE has many enemies, ministry is just one of them.

I am also wondering how to live LIFE in a broken world. A world that does not love LIFE.
the increase in the abortion rates is a clear statement, this society hates LIFE.
and it is true in many ways.

I have been substituting some of my mom's classes at the state's public university. I have done a great job, I have given those kids soooo much. I have prepared well and...well, it has been great, just great.
Do you know why I have been able to do it? Because I am a substitute teacher.
You see if I were a teacher with a contract, I would soon be under heavy pressure. "Stop being so good, or leave. You make us all look bad, doing such a good job."

I will be honest I have received this message everywhere I have been...even in church.

So, part of my quest is "can I really live LIFE in a broken world?"

There is only one reason why I am even considering in getting back on this journey, and it is basicaly because Jesus said "I came so you could have abundant life"

I have no clue as to how it is done...I have rested...now I hope to find out...someday when I am ready to move on.

my quest for life

MY QUEST FOR LIFE

I am not really sure what I mean with this. You can laugh, I myself smile.
But that is the best way to describe an inner hunger, an inner drive. This inner drive has taken me to do the most incredible things...but it has not been satisfied. I continue to have a feeling that I am missing out on a key part of the plan.
It is strange because in a way I do have a satisfied feeling. In fact I often say "I can die now" and I truly mean it. I have given so much...I have done so much...I have done things with so much passion and zeal...so in a way I have lived life and I am satisfied.

Perhaps I should be more specific, perhaps it is my quest for Life in ministry ...but I do not want to limit things like this...I just can't seem to be able to find the right words. Right now I can only think of one person that could really understand what I am trying to say. And not because she herself understands this QUEST FOR LIFE...or has the answers that are unsettling me, but because she herself has the very same questions.

You see I love God. He is everything to me, He is my very best friend and I do want to make Him known. I want others to know Him, so He can care for them as He has cared for me. Life in this planet is hard, I do not understand how people walk without God...
But I have a huge void, somehow I cannot seem to fit into church or missionary organizations...everything is ok to a point...but then there is this point in which it seems we start to miss out on LIFE.
It seems we are so ministry oriented that we no longer LIVE. It is that simple, not too complex to understand. What is really complex for me is to understand how I am to serve God, without missing out on life. Jesus said he had come to give us abundant life, some consider this to be eternal life...but He would have said that. He did not, He said "abundant life"
And life is about having a cup of coffee while enjoying some good music. Life is about reading bed night stories to your kids. Life is about butterflies, flowers and sunsets. Life is about walking with mom to buy some bread. Life is about sharing secrets and love stories. Life is about falling in love and sometimes out of love. Life is about candies, ice-cream and cakes. Life is about having time to laugh with a friend. Life is about being human and being allowed to make mistakes and even to smell bad once in a while. Life is about resting and reading a good book. Life is about taking a visit to a museum. A sunset by a lake...with a friend.
This morning I woke up and I prayed "Lord I want to honor you with my life" God answered "great, this world has lost its glory...lets go out an polish it a bit"...Did He take me out to a church? Did He take me out to preach or evangelize? NOPE.
We went to class. And we gave one of the best classes ever taught. Adjectives...that was the topic. Doesn't sound like the right way to "bring glory to earth"...but it was, and it was HIS idea!
It was a class that definetly challenged each person to BE...to BE alive.

MY QUEST FOR LIFE.
I still do not understand what it is all really about...but I am planning to find out. I will LIVE my life in a way I honor God. I will LIVE as I serve my God.
I will never again let ministry take me to death...to be a martyr is totally different, I would be glad to be a martyr...but this is another topic. I am talking about ministry choking life out of my days... my precious and limited days on earth.

I still do not know what it will be like, but I am going to find out...someday, when I get the courage to move on.

now

Under the title "not long ago" I tried to describe what I have gone through. In many ways, it is an invented story. There was no real mountain, no spider like monster, no cliff...but in other ways it is 100% a real life story. The story of my life.
Without going into many details I depict my quest, my journey and my near death encounter. All of these have been real. Every sigh, every question, every tear- they have been real.
The burden of the journey becoming too strong.
The lost of hope somewhere along the road.
All have been real.
and that ever sweet moment when in the midst of pain and death I still sung to my Lord- that has been real too.

I cannot clearly make a distinction between the moment of death and the moment of birth, the moment I thought everything was gone, and total resurrection...a miracle, a gentle move of the Lord.
Then I was taken to a time of recovery, restauration, health, gaining strength...now I walk on a totally different place. It is a valley, and spring is in the valley. There are thousands of different types of flowers, and a gentle breeze often comes to play among them; of course the butterflies join them. And I sing in the midst of all these fragant flowers. It is my delight to go for a slow walk with my Lord, specially at sunset, or in the middle of the night- when there is a full moon...or even when it is totally dark.
I have truly enjoyed this time. He hasn't said anything, He has been kind, but I know it is time, or at least I know that it will soon be time...time to continue my quest. My quest for LIFE.
I am strong now, but I hesitate to move on.
The fall was not too long ago, the pain remains fresh in my mind.
Despite the fact that part of me is anxious to move on...part of me moves back.

I am secretly encouraged by the fact that I have a better idea of what I want to find. I secretly tremble because it seems to me that few people have walked down that path recently...I may be wrong, a false impression...but my impression. I guess I will soon find out...but for today I think I will linger on in this valley...just for a little more, just for a little more...not much, not much, but today I will linger... I will watch another butterfly go by.

not long ago...

Not long ago was the time when the following story took place...it was not long ago, but at the same time it seems soooo long ago!
We do not know exactly how the story began we were told of the story once it had already started, and we are told about one day, one afternoon to be exact...nothing else is said to us...but as you read on, you will understand that nothing else is really needed, there is very little else to add.

The story began long before...but we find her after she has walked a long journey, a journey not of days or months, but a journey of years.
She is climbing up a steep and narrow way. She is high on the mountain, no vegetation up in this hights...rocks, rocks and more rocks. She manages to move on. Her step is no longer light, it is wearisome, and heavy. The sound of her steps is monotonus. She carries on... one step at a time...no longer thinking of too far beyond, just simply making sure she takes one more step, one at a time, in the path...not outside...not outside, the cliff is high, way too high. The fog is dense, she cannot see all the way down, but from time to time the fog clears up enough for her to see that she is way high up; she must not fall, this being now her only thought.
Suddenly the path widens just a bit, and on this bigger space there is a rock by the edge. She sits down, without thinking much of the fact that she can rest, it is an automatic move...an "it is expected" kind of move. She is numb, she has walked so much and so far that she is past the acke of her muscles, now they push on...totally numb, in obedience to her brain's command, but numb.
She sits and takes the last of the water she carries. The food has been gone for days, now the water is gone. She sinks her head in her hands, she does not cry. She only sighs. It has been such a long journey...where did it start? why did she leave all comforts behind? why couldn't she have just remained in her quaint little town? It was sooo long ago, she does not even remeber the town well, nor its people...they all seem fuzzy ghosts from ancient history...
So many things are now blurry, the lack of food and rest are making her mind go astray, she tries to focus...what is the reason for this journey? where am I headed too?
She sighs as she remembers...it was a quest...a quest for LIFE.
She had left with such high hopes to find LIFE, now hope has long left her. A quest for life, she looks about her...rocks and fog, that is all she has found. And now, she is doomed, life she will not find. She sighs.
She is so much into her thoughts that she hasn't noticed the huge spider like creature that is creeping upon her from behind, just before the creature sticks its fangs inside her flesh she turns around, "NO!!!!" she cries and jumps to her feet "I must find life"...she is inmerse in the fight so she does not realize the contradiction in her words... she fights with a zeal that she had thought she had lost along the trail of her long journey. She fights, and the spider like creature begins to wrap her in a spider web type of string. She tries to move aways and in her attempt to escape she falls, she falls over the cliff.
She just bounces off from rock to rock, wham, wham, wham, wham...she has absolutely no control. The monster's web acts as a rope which gets tangled up on a branch that is sticking out from the cliff. She finds an abrupt stop. She no longer falls, she hangs there, wraped in the string...bleeding, and bruised...totally confused. With time all movement comes to an end. She opens her bruised eyes, everything is blurry but she can manage to understand that she is hanging from the string and bellow her, several meters down,  some very sharp, knife like rocks await her fal.
She does not even sigh anymore. She closes her eyes.

Above, the spider like creature is moving back and forth near the edge of the cliff. Since it is a spider like beast it could easily reach its prey, and it is the smell of flesh blood that is making it uneasy, yet it does not dare to go down, for it can sense the presence of a stronger being. Much more fearsome than itself. This being was also attracted by the scent of fresh blood...and by the loud shrieks the girl had uttered in her fall.

The girl decides to take a look at the world one last time, before death makes its way into her soul. She slowly opens her eyes, all she can see are the rocks which surround her. In the deepest part of her brain a Bible verse arises and flows through to her heart. It is the verse in which Jesus states that if the people should not praise Him, then the rocks would praise Him.
Her agonizing heart manages to whisper...an intended shout...."oh, Lord, as long as I am alive, these rocks will not praise you!" She takes all her energy and strenght to snap her thumbs in the tune of an old hymn...and she praises, and as she praises her Lord, tears start to stream our of her eyes, tears that wash her face and her heart.

The spider like creature senses that it is in danger and runs to hide, despite the fact that the young woman's voice and the smell of her voice had been luring him to go down. There is that presence which it dreads, and it is getting stronger with every moment that passes by.

The girl is too weak to even notice the presence of the Almighty God, but He is there right by her side. One would wonder why He does not rush to pick her up in His arms...instead He just stands by, silently listening to the song, a song half whispered, half muttered but definitely a song of love from the deepest part of her heart.
Her tears do not fall to the ground, He gathers them in His palm. As they fall into His palm they turn into precious pearls, pearls which will be used to make her a crown.

The girl faints not aware of His presence, and because of this she will never know how she was taken out of such a terrible place, and taken to a place of peace and rest. A place where she was to gain strenght...to latter on continue her quest.
Her quest for LIFE.