a church without a pastor

"pray for his congregation, since they will be without a pastor on Easter Sunday"

I got a letter asking for prayer, in it we are told of a pastor that is being expelled from the country he is working in as a missionary pastor.
I read in silence.
The last sentence (above) hits me hard.
My heart feels crushing pain.
My veins get hot.

I am learning to walk in God's perfect will. I try to breath deeply and count to ten.
As a church we really have to wake up, things cannot continue the same.

Just yesterday I read an article that was dramatic too. The amount of pastors leaving ministry because they do not have the needed support (in all aspects) is of a 60%
I can only take a deep, deep breath and I set my eyes on God.
I must or I will end up all angry, out of pain for hundreds who need pastors and cant find them.
In free countries pastors are quitting because of lack of support.
Few missionaries are sent - you can tell me there are a lot of, but if you compare with
the needed amount you will understand why I use the word few
Out there in missionary land things are also rough and many have to depart.

What is going on?
I set my eyes on God, I do not want to despair.

He is bringing into my mind the words He spoke to me on one of my trips, when He sent me to Cobija. I was horrified by the amount of temples built all over the tiny town, each with one or two members. I got angry and started to mumble about how stupid we can be, if we only could start walking in unity then we could use one temple instead of three.
God stopped me and He told me:
"It is all in control. It is part of the strategy.
soon not even all these temples will be enough to hold the people seeking me"

I take a deep breath. I start to get focused.
So, is this also part of the strategy?
I have a feeling it is.

God's ways are strange, but they are perfect.
May we be granted to understand His ways, and even more...
may we be granted to walk in them.

church

I know some may frown at what I will dare to say right now...

I have been thinking a lot on the topic of going to a congregation here in Puebla, I have been asking around, praying etc etc
But today I suddenly had a huge smile on my face, hey! what is the big fuss! I do have a church!
I have an awesome group of brothers and sisters who are really, really close to me, although they are hundreds of miles away. That is tops! I mean, how often you have people right by your side, but you are miles away in opinions, etc.
So this could be called an internet church. We pray, we share our struggles, we give each other comfort and we do not feel we are walking alone.
Isn't this what church is really about?
Wasn't this God's original idea? Do not walk alone, it is no easy walk, make sure you have people of faith by your side.

I feel relieved. I am walking in obedience to God!
I smile...mmm, this is neat.
I even have several pastors on the list!

So, in a way it is odd, and many questions can be asked..."how truly can you love each other from afar?" etc
But I know that these people will also read this and smile...and with a twinkle in their eyes they would tell you: "man, you would be surprised!"
I had not noticed that all these years as I wrote, I was knitting deep relationships with some.
Once more I say thank you Lord for making me able to obey.

I just wanted to share: "I do congregate!"

(do not panic, I will continue to see what happens here in Puebla...but...I am happy and relieved...I have an awesome set of brothers and sisters, who love me and carry me in their prayers. I am not walking alone, I am not walking alone...aint it neat?)

time to be extreme

There is a time to cry, a time to die, a time to laugh, a time to live...and a time to be extreme.

Time. That is one of the concepts that I am beginning to understand. Before last year I had a very narrow concept of time. God has a different concept of time.
When I questioned Him on the fact of stopping everything for a whole year, at the age of 40...He smiled at me and told me "Bea- you are eternal!"
"Well, yes, but...here ...with this body..."
"BEA you are eternal. What we are going to do this months will have an eternal impact"...ooooooohhh

He also made me plant all sorts of flowers and vegetables. Did you know it takes weeks before they come out of the soil? and it takes months before you can harvest a carrot?
Time.
Then there are the seasons. They are four, they each last 3 months. "Bea, I know that" Good. I did, they taught me all about the earth´s movements in school, BUT it was until last year that I finally FELT the seasons. A season to prepare the soil, a season to rest, a season to plant, a season to harvest...smooth, gentle, progressive, but not rushed
Time.
A baby takes 9 months to develop in the mother's womb. The last hours are tense. Otherwise, the previous months, mother does nothing really. She sleeps more etc. But she does not mix some cells in her hand and shapes an eye and then swallows it...basically she waits.
Time.
My mom got an orchid for Christmas. The flowers fell, and the stem was hanging there. After a while little buds started to show up. "We are going to have the privilige of watching an orchid bloom!" I announced to everyone. The buds are there, slowly growing. They are in no rush. They are taking their time...been months, no flowers blooming...but the flowers are there. We just have to WAIT.
Time.

There is a special time that I am longing for. I call it the "time to be extreme"
Right now there are tons of people being stirred by God. They do not feel comfortable with their rutine "I am made for more, I have a call"...but somehow they have to stick to what they are doing.
Me, for example, I am having to stay at home a lot. Wash dishes, plant, wash windows, throw out the trash...go to the supermarket, dust, vacuum the rug...make a salad, wash clothes....clean the bathroom, sweep outside, sweep inside...
get the feeling?
Inside I am restless "I am made for more, I have a call", but I hang on. Why? because it is not the time to be extreme- yet.
Why is God stirring us, if it is not the time yet? BECAUSE WE NEED TO PREPARE!
Our hearts, our character, our knowledge of God, our obedience to God...all have to be in God's transforming power NOW.
These can be worked on, while we work, or go to college or wash dishes...yes, we will also get a time to practice ministry from time to time, but it will not really be THE time. That time is still some years ahead (not too many, do not despair)
There will be such a time. And not all will be ready for it. NOW is the time to get ready for such a time. The time to BE extreme lovers of God.

Do not despair if you hear the word: wait.
Just in case you hadn´t thought of it...Jesus had to wait a long, long, long time before coming to earth. And then He had to wait for 30 years before starting ministry. And then He had to wait 3 years before getting to the time to show His love for the Father in an extreme way.

WAIT BUT PREPARE, and take the small steps that will take you to that awaited time to be extreme in your actions for God.

I still have problems with the time concept. God knew He would need to remind me of this, so He sent you my way. Thanks, I love you lots and lots.

enough is enough

I no longer want to walk in fear.
It really takes so much out of you!
Clearness of thought, energy, joy, and peace all go away as soon as fear comes in.
So I hear God...lets go out and have a walk on waters. This time the adventure includes others, and includes my dear friend Zana.
Zana has gone out to walk on waters with me before, and because of me she drank a lot of water!
My dear friend!!! So I write to her, and then fear comes in...it is so paralizing!!
yuck! I hate to be under its power!
Today I got a letter from my friend, "Bea, I would love to walk on waters with you again. Do not worry, I know how to swim quite well."
I laugh and I thank God for her.
Peace comes softly back into my life, along with it faith finds a place to grow. This time I am set on doing things in peace, in faith and in hope.
No matter the result. I know that there are many factors that will affect the result, and it is not only my obedience that will dictate a victory.
I will walk in faith- for God spoke.
I will walk with peace- for my friend knows how
to swim
I will walk with hope- to see dear ones hugged
by God
I will walk with joy- I am walking on waters,
with Jesus by my side.

This time, I am set of doing things differently, do not know the results...but I will not let fear take control.
Enough is enough!

the time has come

The time has come to dive in, huge step of obedience...time to look for a church to congregate.
My problem goes beyond doctrine, a comfortable site, nearness, or most of the issues one would look for when choosing a church.
The problem is that I am looking for a church where I can passionatly burn for God. Sounds romantic? It ain´t.
But that is what I want. I want to find a church where I can serve God, but won't end up all tied up in all sorts of meetings...so many that I end up with no time to serve God.
It happens...you want to serve God? You don't want to just come on Sundays and warm your seat? Well, then you must first take a series of courses, just to make sure you share our doctrinal basis.
Then you must congregate regularly. There is the Sunday church meeting, and a cell group, and of course there is the leaders meeting, and the intercessory meetings...
and suddenly you are so wrapped up that you do not have time to serve God.
If I go up to a pastor now and tell him all this, what do you think his reaction will be?
Most likely I will be called a rebel, ouch. I do not want that, I do not want to give an arrogant front of "I know all and that is that"
Then that is not the only challenge I will face, there will be tons of things where one is asked to do this or do that "you have to be tested to see if you can serve God"...once in a church the pastor preached that before one could teach one had to wash bathrooms to prove real servanthood. So we offered to wash the bathrooms, the answer was: "we have an employee that does that"...great, where do I start?
Once more I am beeing honest. It seems to me the real problem starts in the type of person I am and ministry I have. My ministry usually involves bringing forth change. I cannot settle for what we have, no matter how good, there is always a higher mountain to climb.
I sigh as I think of going through it all over again, all the "testing before you can really have a word" and then when I finally think I can say a word I hit a hard wall "that is out of boundries, you are going too far" Ouch.
Pastors would love me if I could limit myself to what is on the plan. An enthusiastic person is always welcomed...but I get to the point of being overenthusiastic.
I do not want to give the impression that I hate pastors. I do not. I look back with love and thankfulness to the pastors God has used to work in me what I now am. And if I were only called to listening or to a typical ministry we would have had no problems at all.
But God has not intended me to settle. He has intended to make me the one that can say, "common you guys, lets dare to see more of God!"
"Yes, this was cool, and exciting...but can you imagine what would happen if we manage not only to steal His smile but if we can manage to steal His laughter over us????"
That is me...why settle if we can go for more? Yes, we will have to pay a price, maybe make a fool of ourselves...but later... wow- it will be worthwhile!!!
If I could just settle and have a normal church life, we would be really content. But after several services of more or less everything the same I start thinking...you know what would be fun? We could collect the offerings first thing in the service. "Bea," my pastor said "then people wouldn´t give anything" Maybe, but wouldnt the few coins of the few that made it a real effort to get their money turned in smell good to God????
After that pastor's reaction I didn't dare suggest another thing that I had thought. But I would still like to do it someday: after collecting all the money, read the part in Leviticus were it talks of the burnt offerings, and then...literaly set all that money on fire, as a sweet smelling offering to God.
I think God would be tickled pink.
As I wrote those words, I had such a big smile on my face...and then I think of the churches that I am planning to apply for, and tears fill my eyes. I do not think they would like such "extremes", I am in this huge inner struggle, it is obedience, but how I long for that group of people that would dare to do something "extreme" for a God that did something "extreme" for me.
I guess, I will go to church trying to make it clear in my mind that this is not "THE group" I am waiting for, but that they are neat people and can learn from them if I take a humble attitude.
I guess, I will think of the obedience some of you are going through by attending college when your heart is elsewhere...reaching out.
may God see our obedience as a sweet fragant offering, one that will one day touch His heart and take us to that desired spot...
the time and place where we will be able to
be extreme for Him as He was for us.

the pain is back

I had forgotten how this pain felt. I had forgotten how it would drive me nuts.
The pain for the ones thirsty for God. My desire to quench their thirst...but how can I if I am thousands of miles away?
To make it worse the world has expanded for me, I have dear people just about all over the place, Peru, Bolivia, Australia, Canada, Norway, Polony, Germany, Austria, Spain, India, Egypt...
some stories I do not mention but I keep them in my heart. The questions, the eyes searching mine.."is there a way to draw near God?"
no matter where I have been, I have found that, yes it is true that there are tons of people that care not to hear from God...but there are so many millions thirsty for God...how can I fill them?
I know I cant. That is why the church must move out...but my faith in the church is still so down (sorry Lord)... I guess the idea of this blogs it to be able to reach out to some of you.
Miles and miles keep us apart, but through these blogs, you can at least get a sip, and through that sip I hope you gain strength to carry on.
Somebody wrote me and said "I hope to see you in Europe, crazy one". It was said with tons of love, but how can I avoid reacting like this? How can I feel the pain and not be moved?
"Why Europe Bea?" for the same reason I pray for the jungle...people who know God, but have nobody near to show them how to get more from the Bible.
Europe, Mexico... take it anywhere is the same, people are thirsty for God...who is prepared to speak the truth? have you been out there?
People are thirsty for God, but the answers we must give will create problems. Different religious backgrounds...what will parents say?
My son just got back from sharing a whole week at one of my relatives house. They are catholics, and while he was sharing things got rough, but one of the girls kept asking, she did not know anything at all. "Who was first...Moses or Jesus?" Doesn´t that tear you up?
My son was deeply touched. I saw it in his eyes, so am I. But as we give her the answers...her parents will have a negative reaction. Who will dare to speak the truth?

"Who was first...Moses or Jesus?"
The pain is back...and it is driving me crazy.
please pray.
love you all.

wake from the dead

I have never wanted to be a heroe. Part of me really dreamed of having a normal life, a quiet, peaceful life.
Last year God told me He would let me chose whatever I wanted to do. I had finished that which He had assigned to me. If I would chose to get a house in Hawaii and just paint and live a slow life I could.
I will forever wonder why He said that, because I think that He knew that it was most unlikely that I would go for such a life after all He has taken me through.
So Here I am again. Praying for a mission that seems impossible, praying...I hadn´t prayed in ages...my prayers were simple mumblings. Now I just seem to rabble on, can´t seem to stop.
"Somebody must go, Lord...somebody must go...and Lord, I want to go. Just allow me to hug them, to encourage them once more. They seem so fragile, so needed for your touch...I really want you to take me"
Something has definitely changed in me. It was never like that before. I would pray, feel His pain and then I would say..."well, ok I will go, I know nobody else will and somebody must go...sigh...here I am. take me"
Not very enthusiastic, huh?
But do not point your finger at me...at least I went.

I got a letter from a girl I dearly love. She says "I lost my thirst for God"...the pain those words produced in me froze me for weeks. I tried to answer yesterday. But words just did not seem right.
Fire burns inside of me. "Lord, here I am, take me!"
This morning I woke up thinking of a specific church..."I will call the pastor later on" I thought. Now I lose all strenght to do so.
What I want to do is total madness, I want to help people who are thirsty of God fill that thirst. I do not know if there is a pastor that will allow me to do that.
But you see, that is what some people want. They want to draw close to God. And God, that God who is God makes it really rough. Suddenly He touches people so deep in the heart that they give up their perfect plans.
They start to give money to the poor, or go to visit them. They talk to people with tuberculosis, and all sort of dumb things.
For some rare reason, a Sunday morning service and a good moral life is just not enough. Not for God, He always gets to this point in which He makes it clear that He gave all and expects all in return.
Puebla is a Catholic city. The amount of people worshiping idols...and the amount of idols is large...is huge. Nobody, critizes the things that are going about. It is easy to have a god that does not demand, perhaps a little sacrifice now and then- but: A CHANGE OF LIFE?

"What is the limit of surrender to God?" another girl asked.

What will I tell them?
HE GAVE ALL, AND EXPECTS ALL.

His ways may change, He may ask some to produce money and support a missionary. He may ask others to live in a slum to reach to the poor in that area. I do not know the specific path. But I am sure that He expects all.
We want our young people to live moral lives, but not go crazy for God. We are so blind! We do not understand things at all! This world is changing, the opposite poles are gaining strenght. Evil is reaching levels of wickedness never before expressed...and good is doing the same thing. Opposites repel, and as the energy of each increases the in between zone becomes weak...you no longer can stand in between. This is what our kids are facing.
Radical devotion to God or radical devotion to rebellion to God.
What do we want?
I know what I want. I know what I will preach...but "God, who will support me?"- financially, spiritually, emotionally?... I know what we preach at churches. We preach devotion to God, but when our kids go further, when they start to pray more...when they talk about the things they have read in the Bible and confront us with such truths,AND when they suddenly discover their missionary call then we decide to cool them up a bit.
I am praying for a mission. I do not know if I will get there physically. But I have been quiet too long, have been resting too long...some of these kids have a call on their lives. Somebody must tell them:
OBEY GOD.

and somebody must tell the church:

WAKE UP! THEY HAVE A CALL!

Does that mean they don´t go to college? I do not know the detail of each life.
In my experience, some have had to leave collegue before being taken into something else, and others have had to go to collegue before being taken into something else.
Dr. Livingstone had to go to collegue, before being used by God in an awesome way in Africa.
But others got different instructions, they were called to leave their comfortable collegues behind and were taken to martirdom.
David, Joseph and Daniel were used in political power.
Jeremiah, and so many others had to settle for some bread crumbs, prision, and beatings.
Who does what? who gets what? ...God is the one to choose- not I, not us.

CHURCH WAKE UP!
CHURCH IT IS TIME TO OBEY GOD!

We have pondered on the crucifiction and the resurrection this week. This is my prayer.
"God, you who are God,
the word says that the same spirit
who woke Jesus from the dead lives in us,
God, may your spirit wake your church from the
dead. Give us real life so we can reach out,
to a dying world.
God, you called me out of my grave today,
can you call the rest of the church, too?
This I humbly and desperatly pray...
Lord, please wake up the rest of the church
today."

"Bea, come forth!"

All this time I have been telling people that I am on a retreat. Jesus called it a grave. He was glad, and so am I.
The grave is not a comfortable place. But I liked being there...and I am glad to be getting out of there!!!
A whole year in a grave...wow. I lived 40 years, then died 1 and now I am ready to live the rest...in a very different way.
I have gone through different healing processes before, but this one has been really strange. In many ways it has implied death.
People´s reaction to my time apart has been similar to as if I had died. It has been interesting, some have sighed with relief "she is out of my way!", others have complained "she is no longer the same!", others have grieved "I miss you so much!", others have mourned "she is gone, I feel so lost", and others have remained silent but near, very near, praying for me everyday.
While all this was going on out there, outside my grave, I was enjoying my death bed. Well, at first I did not like it one bit, but later I got the hang of such a beautiful place. Quiet and calm, I needed the rest.
And I needed death. I have died to so much...to so much. Months of dying to all sorts of misconceptions, (of people, of me, of God).
"Bea, what did you do last year?"
I died and it will remain in my heart as the best year of my life.
Today is resusrrection day. I guess just for the fun of it Jesus chose this day to call my name and say, "Bea, come forth! it is time to get out of your grave!You have died, now you can rise up to live."
It is true, I have died. The world around me is basically the same. I know it hasn´t changed. Yes, some friends have gotten married, others have a baby on the way. But sin is still around, I will face death again.
I check my heart to see its reaction before the idea of being out in a fallen world again. I am surprised to notice that despite the fact that I am aware that the world is still filled with sin I am not scared to move out of my grave. I have died, now I can live.
I have died to so many misconceptions on how to live life in a sinful world and I have died to the expectation of finding Walt Disney Land. Here on earth there is sin, it is going to be rough. But I have been equipped with a different mind and different expectations of what my life should be like.
I know I will face pain,over and over and over again. And I know it will be ok. I have died, I no longer need a Walt Disney Land.

After my previous healing processes, when I had to get out of the hospital I had a fight with God. "I don´t want to go out there...I will get hurt again!"
This time it is different. I am coming out of the grave. A grave, no matter how peaceful and calm,is not really a place for a living person. I was made to live- and live abundantly. So I am glad it is time to get out and live.
I have died, I can now live.

wanted: a brave pastor

I have been here since last October, but I haven´t gotten a congregation yet.
Why? Puebla is a big city with tons of churches, good churches, with ok doctrine...you can find a good place to go. so why haven´t I?
Because I need a brave pastor. And that is not so easy to find.
Let me give you an ilustration first, so you can later easily understand what I mean...
Think of an indian and soldier movie, in the US, way back then when the US was starting to move to the west.
You had the colonists that migrated and got in problems with the indians, so the calvary was sent to protect them.
They wore blue uniforms, short hair, and were trim. And even if they were out there in the nowhere lands, they were expected to ride straight, and follow the line. Commands were given by the general and soldiers obeyed.
This was the way it should be and everybody thought things worked out just fine like that.
BUT there was this one guy hanging around that just did not match. He did not were a uniform. He dressed more like an indian, he wore his hair long and lose. He did have a gun and a rifle, but was also quiet good with a knife. He laughed loudly and was rude in his manners.
The soldiers in general liked him, some did not, but most did. Most admitted they would never want to be like him, but they enjoyed the fun and change he brought along.
But I don´t recall ever seeing a movie where the general actually liked the guy. This guy was the scout. The general needed him, so he tolerated him. The scout new how to move about in new territories, an art confided from a strategy rigid mind of the generals.
Generals did not like scouts. They could not control them. They often would disobey orders, and just follow their intuition, they followed their heart.
Often they would be going along and suddenly the scout would dissappear! Then hours later he would show up with a huge smile..."hey guys, I got you a deer!" The soldiers cheered, the general frowned. "Why didn´t you tell me you were leaving?"..."oh, sorry, I didn´t think of it, I just saw the deer...and well, why do you make a fuss? we now have a deer!"
Generals would also resent scouts because soldiers would acknowledge their leadership, in fact in some situations they just knew that they could survive without the general...but not without the scout...tricky time for the general. The fun part was that the scouts never really wanted to take the generals place. They felt suffocated with such a trade. They liked to help, but did not like the idea of a stiff neck, from riding straight ahead of the line.
Scouts were often called rebells, and many times when the general ran out of patience...they were shot or put in prison. They would be put in prison in hope that they would learn to be more disciplined. What generals just did not seem to understand that their free spirit was precisely the key thing for them to carry out their job. Take that away and you end up with a soldier- nice, but not a scout. And every army needs a scout.

yeah, I think you know where I am aiming at. I am the scout, and I need a general. I understand the generals role and respect it, but so far I haven´t found a general that has understood my rol as a scout, or at least one that has felt comfortable with it.
So, I basically haven´t searched for a church because I am waiting for a brave pastor, one that desires to have a scout around.

So I have hung up a poster in my prayer room, it says:
"wanted: a brave pastor"

first mission

Today I received an invitation from God to go out on a mission.
so it has been a long day. All kinds of thoughts and emotions filled my day.
Forgiveness, I feel a shower of forgiveness just raining on me, washing away guilt...rain, longed for rain, awaited rain of forgiveness...
Then there has been fear. I see this will be my biggest enemy again. This time it is not fear of not having heard God. That part is clear, I know His voice. But my enemy is going to be fear of failing again, of hurting those who I want to bless. Of hurting innocent ones, that are waiting for relief and such relief being postponed because of my mistakes. Big enemy.
There is also excitement. The excitement of seeing dear people to encourage their faith.
And there is strong expectation of what is to come after the mission is completed. For as I was praying the spiritual garment I got (Zana, you will love this...) was that of an indian scout. Moccasins and all!!! What does this mean? It means that I am going out to explore...SO I CAN TELL OTHERS THE WAY TO GO!
Being a scout is hard, but I know I have what it takes to do that part of the job. I am not scared to go alone. And I am excited about the part of later being used to guide "the whole tribe" to the land God has in mind. I am especially excited about this last part because I have been without a congregation for the past year...and it is starting to get kind of lonely ;)
Our God is an awesome God! He has a perfect plan.
Please keep me in your prayers. It is walking on the waters time!
I am most thankful to God, most thankful ...
as I was talking to Him on my fear He whispered:
"Do not fear little one, you have been fully equipped, come, just FOLLOW ME."

You guys...God loves me enough to want me to walk with Him once more.
This truth is hard to believe ...but it is sinking in...

the right action, but...

I know God brought me to Mexico,because it would have been extremely hard to be in a dying nation with a sleeping church.
BUT I also know He brought me here out of love for that church...ja ja ja.
Lets put it this way. If I were there now, I would probably be kicking everybody, trying to get them out of the church building.
Maybe the right action.
BUT with the wrong heart.
I know that I still have to get the same heart that God has, and has had for the church through out history.
Just wanted to tell you that I am aware that I need some adjustments I need to deal with sin in relation to the church of Christ.
And I do have questions, honest and simple, but questions that need answers before I can once more become involved in a congregation.
Do not fear. God is dealing with this issue, in due season...in due season His work shall bear fruit.
Thanks for praying and worrying.
Bea

we have overcome

Last night I went to bed understanding God´s wisdom and beginning to see part of His plan:
It is His desire to use me to face and awaken
a sleeping church.

This morning I wake up with one thought:
How Lord?

It is not a How of incredulity, it is of curiosity. He laughs, but doesn´t answer.

I lay in bed in silence. This is serious, He means businness, so there must be a strategy...how???
I think God laughed out of the pleasure of the look in my eyes. He knows He has caught my attention, and He knows we have overcome.
"Overcome,Bea? You don´t even know the strategy!"
We have overcome, because it was me that could have gotten in the way and I am not getting in the way.
I could have chosen to say NO. I could have said "I have done my share, I have done enough"- knowing that in a way it is true.
It would not have been an answer done in rebellion. God told me that I could chose it in peace, because in deed I had completed that which He had appointed to me.
But as I wrote that letter last night I knew that I agreed with the words. Without a previous talk with God on the matter I had said YES.
You have heard of my present weakness, yet there is incredible strength in me as I say YES. A determination and boldness- that often has been confused with stubborness- that I thought I had lost for life...it is back.
When did it happen? Last night? Or has God been working so gently that I had not noticed the healing touch, the creating touch...
How are we to wake up the church?
Today I notice that I have changed for my reaction to the question.
I have no specific answer.
But for the first time in my life I am certain that God does have a perfect plan, all I have to do is follow Him- one step at a time (and each by grace)
Peace-not anxiety
Determination- not doubt
Strenght- not weakness
Where, when did they come? I am so surprised!
I really do not think it was an overnight miracle. I see it has been a long and gentle work of my God in my heart.
Excitement is making my heart thump faster, pushing life into my veins...it finally feels like spring in the inside.
Do not expect to see me blooming tomorrow. Even spring takes its time...but it is happening, deep inside life is moving about...it will reach the surface soon enough.
So many years, obeying God in fear. "Do you trust me,Bea Gasca?" "No, but I will obey out of love"
It was so hard. It tired me so much. All the life that fears suck from you!!! But I am glad I obeyed, even if it was in fear.
I am soooo glad I obeyed God IN EVERYTHING that I did obey...even the most illogical things. Even the ones that led to huge deserts. Even the ones that led to deep, deep pain...in fact I am specially most glad I obeyed in those.
The result?
I now understand that God is God.
I now understand that I can trust Him, He will crush me but life will eventually come forth in even fuller strength and "crystal clear" beauty.
I now see clearly that it has been worthwhile, to be God´s fool is my reason for being.
My obedience to His foolish requests has brought so much knowledge of WHO God really is...and this has changed my life so much and I am so happy!
Those near me know that I have "nothing" to be happy for. Where is the organization you work for? What about your congregation? Your kids? Your finances? Your collegue degree?
I have none of these.
Then what are you boasting about? Why are you glad?

I know God as God.
We have overcome.

God is wise

As I was writing in http://biblereflections.blogspot.com on the importance of repentence I started to talk about Bolivia...it hadn´t been my intention and in a way I felt it kind of distracted my audience from the place where I had originally wanted to take it.
But I wrote what I wrote and that be it...
I hardly speak of Bolivia now. People expect me to tell all kinds of adventures and things...I am quiet. Too much pain linked to Bolivia.
Not personal pain...I think of "my" people. The people of Bolivia.
When God told me "when you leave the ark the ground will be solid, and there will be a path, MAKE SURE TO FOLLOW IT" there was a huge stress on these words.
I begin to understand. And my reaction is:
God you are soooooo wise!!!!

God had taken me through a time of awareness. He had taken me to all sorts of different places and situations in Bolivia. Just to create awareness. I remember being confused because He never did allow me to build any specific project to aid any of these places in a "real" way.
He had a plan. A perfect plan. He only needed for me to become aware of the need of justice and the church's responsability involved.
God's intention was to take us into a revival, He had taken me through all these things so when the revival started I could guide different groups into different situations and then the REAL action would take place.
But we lost the revival.
Most people did not even notice...I did.
And out of grace and mercy I accepted 40 days of God's wrath.
And out of grace and mercy I accepted 10 months of harsh correction, severe discipline.
Then God took me out of Bolivia...why?
He had dealt with me to a certain point, but He knew I was not ready to face a sleeping church in a dying nation...too much to bear. He had created too much awareness in me, an awareness that demands action from the church. But the church is sleeping...things would be nasty for all. If God had left me in Bolivia I would have gotten deeply hurt.
In Mexico the church is also a sleeping church, but I am not involved and I haven´t been here for more than 12 years...most people don´t even know I am back.
In Mexico we also face poverty and corruption and all that stuff. But the levels do not compare with Bolivia's. And God has placed me in a City and in a neighborhood that is "peaceful and prosperous"
I do not forget what I have seen.
But God knows that I am not in conditions to face a sleeping church in a dying nation.
I continue to have questions. Strong,important questions that need answers before I move out.
Who am I to obey, the pastor or God, if they are walking in opposite directions?
You will tell me: God!...if I am not a memeber of your congregation...
If I were a member of your congregation you would probably say: "Bea, that can´t possibly be God! God would not tell you a thing like that!"

I now know that God knows where I stand, and He is taking deep care off me. He has invested a lot in fixing things in my mind and He doesn´t want all that destroyed.
In due season, but not one minute before, I will be used to face and awaken a sleeping church in a dying nation...wherever that may be.

Let me add one more thing. It is my prayer, a prayer that I whisper timidly, that God may grant me a group of people to carry out this task with.
Not a huge group, it can be small, for:
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN THE SIGHT OF
THE GOD OF HEAVEN TO DELIVER WITH A GREAT
MULTITUDE, OR WITH A SMALL COMPANY.
I MACHABEES 3:18 (catholic Bible)

A small group, with a brave heart, to face and awaken a sleeping church in a dying nation...wherever THAT or THOSE nations may be.
In due season, not one minute before, in due season...when I am strong once more.
God is soooooooo wise, sooooooooo wise...
He is taking care of me!!!
glory be to God!

the moon

There is a full moon again! A whole month has gone by since God spoke to me that night.
Last night He also used the moon, to give me a practicla lesson. And to test my heart.
First In just one month our planet has changed its inclination in such a way that now I see the moon in the opposite window. Did you feel the change? I didn´t, I know we changed stations. The calendar told me so, and the flowers in the garden...but I didn´t feel a jerk or anything of the sort.
Amazing. God can manage to change our planet´s position in such gentleness that we can´t feel the change. As I was thinking of this, He whispered "Bea, I can do the same with your heart."
I smile...I long for a new heart sooo bad.
But, but, but I kept waking up...waiting for the moment the moon would pass by. I did not want to miss the moment. And it seemed to take for ever. Finally, I woke up and started to see its light, it was getting closer!! excitement filled my heart...I went back to sleep, but not soundly...I kept waking up. And NOTHING....grrr!
That was my reaction. I got mad. I turned my back on the window and even punched my pillow. Blush, blush.
I inmediatly apologized, "Sorry, Lord, I guess I am just tired...you know how I get without enough sleep...sorry!" "Time, Bea, time. My perfect timing. I have planned the timing of the universe. Trust my time!"
I fall asleep. Pondering on that fact.
Again I awake. The moon has passed by!!!! GRRRRRR
"How foolish can I be...chasing the moon! Who cares? It is only the stupid moon!"
OUCH.
I felt God´s pain.
I had failed the test.

A TESTED AND FOUND RIGHT HEART... will I ever be able to offer such a heart to my God?
With my eyes filled with pain I look up to Him,"I am sorry Lord! I really am!"
He is silent, so am I.

There is no more room for words. We have talked about the issue before...my rebelioussness. My not accepting His way, nor His time. Now, there is no more room for words. Only silence fills my room.

God waits for repentance to fill my heart. Deep, honest repentance, one that will bring forth a heart felt prayer, not a quick "sorry, hope its better next time" kind of prayer, but a deep, deep heart felt prayer:
"Dear God,
You are all I want. You are my all.
I do want to accept you as you.
I want to accept you as God.
Lord, I don´t only ask for forgiveness,
I ask for a new heart.
I do not want you to do maintainance work.
I want a heart transplant.
I want a new heart.
A heart that acknowledges you as God.
A heart tested and found right."

I pray this words over and over again. Hoping to reach His mercy and His grace. I pray, I pray this words, with a longing to be heard.
I do not know how much time has gone by, the Holy Spirit takes me by the hand and leads me to the window. There we stand, watching the moon dissappear behind the mountains, it is now tinted with red.
We stand there in silence. Just watching. Perfect timing in action.
Before I can speak my next prayer which is "mercy, mercy, mercy...give me a new heart...", the birds start to sing, announcing a new day, a fresh start.
God is silent. He does not need to speak. He knows that I know the verse that says:
GOD´S MERCY IS NEW EVERY DAY.

A new day, a fresh start, a new hope, new mercy for a new heart...
I wonder if He is changing my heart,
the way He changes the earth inclination
gently and with perfect timing....

I wonder if one fine day I will wake up and be surprised by the beauty of my new heart... I have the strange feeling that something deep happened this morning...in my heart AND in God´s heart.
strange, no?
reminds me I do not know God ...

I now stand looking at Him with a puzzeled look..."God? what happened in your heart this morning? why do you have your eyes filled with happy tears? God? why is it hard for you to speak?"
I look away...perplex at the fact that God would allow me to see, this side of Him.
How gentle He can be!!!
Why did I look away? Because I could tell He was embarrased by the fact that I saw Him disconcerted.

BEA!!!!
hush!! it is true...I don´t know why He is disconcerted, I may get the courage to ask later on, but right now I have a mishevous twinkle and a smile...He was embarrased!
what a surprise!

Silence, it is once more filling my room. But it is a different type of silence.
It is an "I love you!" type of silence.
Our love for each other...hard to describe,
we both treasure it dearly,
we have both paid a high price for it.
We both have given all to be near each other.

Our love for each other...hard to describe.

wasting time???

Every time I think that next time God asks me to do something I will be able to obey Him without argueing, He asks me to do something that takes me by total surprise...and sadly enough my reaction continues to be: WHAT!!!!!
Inside of me I really hope that the time comes when I trust Him so much that I will be able to get up and obey, without questioning Him one single bit.
God had told me that after that special retreat time, I would get out of the ark and there would be solid ground, AND there would be a path to follow. "Bea, make sure you follow that path"
I was sure He was talking about the church I should join or the ministry I should undertake. I was certain that I was going to be able to obey without any questioning.
Little did I know that the path was: "Go to your mom´s house in Mexico, and leave your kids behind."
How do you obey, without questioning THAT?
Out of grace. Out of mercy.
"Lord, I want to obey...but I can´t, you must send an angel to help me out". He did, he sent a small, but special group of people that made my obedience possible. I owe them my life. May God pay them back abundantly, abundantly.
The pain of not having my boys near is impossible to describe, but I know that due to my obedience we will all have life. As I chat with them, I often think "when did my boy grow into a man?"
And then there is my mom. I am glad to be home. I am driving everybody crazy...but I am glad to be home.
My cousin called me yesterday. "So are you working? You should. That way you could have traveled now that we have 2 weeks off"
So hard to make him understand. "you know what,I believe in following God´s steps. If He is not moving, then I don´t move."
"Bea, you are no longer young, if you don´t get a job soon, well it will be harder for you to get one later. You are wasting precious time"
So hard to make my family and friends understand that I don´t worry about time, since I have realized that I am eternal. And that God has an eternal plan. My life goes beyond the retirement plan.
"Bea, you have been here since October...have you contacted your friends?"
So hard to make people understand that I know God has a secret plan, and eventhough I can´t see all the details. I know that this is perfect.
To many my staying in the house, painting the house, changing windows, doing repairs, fixing the garden... is a total waste. For me it is plan of a perfect plan.
"Bea, mom doesn´t like change" my little sister said, after my silence she added: "I guess she is in for a surprise"
So hard to make her understand that part of that perfect plan is to be a daughter.
In our modern world. Family seems an insult, a chain. And yet if we sit by God, He suddenly shows us family pictures. The grandparents, children and grandchildren...all together. In order, in stability, providing roots for the younger ones.
Old parents are forsaken, pushed aside, insulted and rejected. Well, not only old parents, parents in general are now rejected. We have all kinds of excuses and resons for excusing our attitudes. But then there is that verse:
Honor your parents.
So, here I am learning to do precisely that.
In many ways leading a boring life: washing windows, cutting the grass, cleaning the fridge, and taking out the trash. Hard to make anyone understand the perfection of this plan.
Why do I know this is glorifying God?
This morning mom asked her friend for brunch. I helped to get things ready. As I asked about the dishes she would like to use, she lowered her voice and said "ones that I haven´t used in years...the beige."
This has been a common phrase these months. So many things, totally forgotten, because she had lost physical strenght and maybe something else, and needed somebody to gently say "I will take them dishes out and wash them now."
"Bea, you are wasting your time."
Honoring my mom, a waste of time???

No my friend. No, I am not wasting my time.
I am obeying God. I am honoring my mom.
Only to see her the way she is now, has made this all worthwhile. Only to see the changes in me, has made the pain worthwhile. Only to see what is happening in our relationship, has made the strain worthwhile.
But let me tell you one more thing:
God has made it clear that
when we obey Him...
HE IS OUR REWARD.

All of this...is just part of a perfect plan.

waiting

WAITING is one of God´s elements in His most awesome tasks.
It is also in this time that we "instant everything" generation suffer most AND usually destroy God´s most awesome tasks. Sorry, I once more generalize. I will speak for myself.
Waiting is something I do not know much about. And I am working hard in learning of it but I am still an amateur at it.
I try hard, just to wait for God to do His part.
My mom got an orchid for Christmas. It was blooming, then the flowers died. A stem was left there hanging, nice and long...it looked so ugly, "I shuould cut it" I thought. But mom got sick and we were too busy to think of the orchid. I am glad.
We didn´t cut the stem, and when I had time to think about it: it had new buds!!! Tiny, ever so tiny, but there they were...with the promise of new flowers on their way.
So now...I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting for them to grow and open. Some days it seems that nothing is happening. It seems that there is no change at all.
It seems forever since I first saw them, and yet there are no flowers for my delight.
I talk to it, and water it, and feed it with special orchid food...but it is still taking its time.
Waiting is an element in God´s most awesome tasks.
There are no flowers yet, but there has been change the tiny buds are no longer small. They have grown! (to my surprise)
Waiting...why is it so hard?
"Bea Gasca,BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" says God.
"O my soul, be still and wait on God" I tell my soul.
But I am not used to being still. (I´m sure my friends are smiling as they read this)...IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!! ....well, in a way it is, I myself smile as I see myself. Forever restless...even when half dead!!!
God does strange things. Imagine...He asked me to BE STILL!
WAIT.
When I arrived there was so much to do at home that waiting was easier. Now things are falling into place and there are less and less chores to do.
How slow are things? ....I am embroidering!!!
Slow, very slow.
BE STILL
The day ends with hope that tomorrow "THE DAY" for some other instruction comes-the following day. It doesn´t.
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.
I feel better in some ways. Healing has been so strong in the past month. My soul senses the new tiny buds of strenght and wants to move on...
"O soul of mine, you must wait. The buds have to grow and bloom before we go anywhere! Be still soul of mine and rest in thy Lord!"
"Be still, be still, GOD IS DOING HIS PART."
"Be still, new flowers are on their way...
be still and know that God is God."

BE STILL

my Isaac

A dear friend collected all "these" letters I wrote, she also chose a title for "the book". I love it, the title is: God´s way in Bea´s life.
I see it that way. God is God. We cannot limit Him. We can participate with Him in creating our lives into awesome lives. That is my aim, to participate with Him...I sometimes wonder if He regrets lending me the colors, because I chose those He would have never used ... but He is patient, and we just walk on.
So sometimes I do things that people don´t understand, or say things that "shouldn´t be"- but are...such is the story of my Isaac.
What I am going to share with you may crash against your doctrine, it does with mine...but that is the way I have lived this part of my life.

Last year I lost a revival. I started to see the result of such a thing. People that I dearly love, backsliding, or simply slipping on their way. I tried to God before God and pray. Like Aaron in the desert, stand between God and the people...but God said: "DON´T you dare! YOU are impure!"
Frozen. I just stood there and saw death walk past. Pain increased every time the phone rang and somebody told me how death had taken its toll in their home. Physically, spiritually or emotionally; death is death it brings forth pain.
Somebody else in the Bible knows how I felt. When we meet in heaven I know we both share this in common, and I know the look in our eyes are different than most people´s because most people haven´t done something like this...be glad.
DAVID, AS HE SAW THAT THE ANGEL OF THE LORD
WAS DESTROYING THE PEOPLE, PRAYED TO THE LORD:
"WHAT GUILT DO THESE SHEEP CARRY? IT IS I WHO
HAS SINNED!!! IT IS I WHO HAS DONE WRONG!!!
POUR YOUR WRATH OVER ME!"
I Samuel 24:17

(David added "pour your wrath over my family". I did not do that)
The Bible says that on that same day a prophet was sent to David. He told him what to do. Build an altar, and he gave him the exact place. The man wanted to give the land to David for free. David answered that he wasn´t going to give God an offering that didn´t cost him anything.
I turned to God..."Lord! It is I who has sinned!
Today I offer you my most precious treasure! Today I offer the only thing that is really mine! Lord...here are the nations. I give them to you. I tear them out of my heart! And I put them on the altar. I give them up.
please put your sword back!
please stop!"

When I told Elisheba this, she froze. "Bea! What were you thinking of?!?"
she knows God. She knew God had taken the nations from me. He had accepted the sacrifice. God started to move with pity over the church. (But a large number had already been touched by death)
"Elisheba, I feel lost. Ever since I was in my mom´s womb I knew I was called to the nations...now, I feel lost."
Some people would tell me "I will wait for you in Spain or It would be nice to see you in India..." every phrase deeply pained me. I would smile...but I knew I had given the nations up. I was not sure I would really be able to touch them again.
But yesterday, when I wrote to you all. There was such a strong move of the Holy Spirit over my life, I did not understand. I only thought "they are alive, the nations are alive!"
But it was much more than that.
Yesterday the nations were given back to me.

I do not know if you understand what that means to me, I just sit here totally surprised.
God seeing my human nature. Knowing that I have blown it so bad in the past...bends over and crowns me AND give me the nations back!!!!!
"GET INVOLVED" He told me...
The nations!!!!
I know I have been talking about this being a stage and then I would be back outside. But outside is not necessarily the nations. They had been taken away from me, now they are back...in my heart!!!
wow...
GET INVOLVED...GOD said.

thanksgiving

God has been faithful to me.
I wish I could leave it at that. For that is the only thing that is really coming out of my heart.
Now, I am resting, healing and recovering for whatever comes next...but I now this is only a stage, a temporary stage. a needed stage.
When God took me aside I hadn´t noticed who worn out I was, but I was.
Fatigue makes you weak in a different sense, it makes you vulnerable to the enemy. So God took me aside before things got really bad.
I can look back and see tons of mistakes, tons of things I should have done differently...but today I am looking at the things I did right out of grace.
I am looking at the beauty of obeying, passionatly obeying God.
I could say that obeying God in this world is an extreme sport. It is dangerous. The chances of getting hurt are high.
I got hurt...BUT there it is, in the midst of my human nature...God granted that I would obey Him!!
And it was fun...but the best part is:
SO MANY THINGS ARE ALIVE!!!!

There was a time when I thought "I am alive!"
but now I look around and begin to see that so much is alive!
I mean people, AND nations!!!!

People:
Yesterday my cousin was here for a visit, his first born suffered some kind of illness and now has problems controling his muscles...but he is alive, AND such a huge blessing! He is so beautiful! I wish you could see his eyes and smile!!! he is walking and in general moving about, he is learning to talk, and eventhough his problem is a real problem...he is alive, and so is his family. I sat there and watched them, such a neat family. So much laughter! So much love! So much pride of their kids! And even the love my cousin showed towards his wife warmed my heart.
All the result of much prayer, not only mine, but yes, God had answer my prayers! "my" little boy is fine! and he will bless the nations...I know.
another cousin had a brain tumor. He is alive. He is weak and having to learn everything from scratch. But he is once more walking close to God. he is back. he is alive!
suddenly I get real heart touching letters, "my" children talking about their thirst for God, their desire to get back to the place they once had with God or sharing the amazing way God is moving in their family.They are alive!
Friends daring to take steps of change which they had postponed out of fear.They are alive!
A group of young people going to the jungle in Bolivia on a missionary trip. The jungle is alive!
My own boys...moving toward something great. They are alive!!!

Nations:
Remember Africa? I remember it as one of the strangest stories in the prophetic I have ever lived...well, the people that received the prophesy are actually obeying God and taking steps to get to Africa!!! AFRICA IS ALIVE!!!
And several people of diferent nations have agreed to translate the bible studies in:
http://biblereflections.blogspot.com
The Nations are alive!!!

God is faithful.
He has corrected me, made me pass by fire...and now He is telling me:
"there, see the things we brought forth, they come out of your obedience, they are your crown."

I take off my crown and place it at his feet...
"God, I obeyed out of grace...
the credit is all yours, the credit is all yours"

signs and wonders of the Most High God

TO THE NATIONS AND PEOPLES OF EVERYLANGUAGE,
WHEREVER THEY DWELL ON EARTH: ABUNDANT PEACE!
IT HAS SEEMED GOOD TO ME TO PUBLISH
THE SIGNS AND WONDERS WHICH THE MOST HIGH GOD
HAS ACCOMPLISHED IN MY REGARD.
DANIEL 3:98

I shall attempt to publish the signs and wonders which the Most High God has accomplished in my regard..."God, where do I find the words?"
I lost a revival- I could put it in plural, but will assume only my part of the blame.
I had two options, get really busy in the ministry and act as if nothing had gone wrong or I could listen to God.
Out of God´s amazing grace, I chose to listen to God.
I lost a revival. Does it matter? I have learned so much out of such an experience...maybe it was in the initial plan of God...
IT WAS NOT.
A prophet came and told me: "it seems to me you are going throught the pain of having lost a child"...how little did he know (prophets only see that which God allows them to see).
Yes, I had lost a child and its name was revival. The visitation many were waiting for was postponed. Instead of life, death took its toll.
I could not believe my eyes as I saw death making progress in the midst of people whom I deeply love. some facing physical death, others emotional death, spiritual death...death in their family relationships....death, death death.
I wanted to interceede, to stand on the gap. God said: Don´t you dare, you are impure!
His anger filled the air.
I was lost. Had no clue as what to do.
All my life in time of anguish I had sought God..
now, God himself said: NO.

FORTY DAYS of God´s wrath.
I did not pray. I just bowed down before Him...every breath in pain.
Was this part of God´s initial plan?
NO
Jesus went to the cross so I would not have to face the wrath of God...THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE INITIAL PLAN...it may break your doctrine beliefs, you may say it is impossible for me to have gone throught the wrath of God, because I am a firm believer of the beauty of the work done on The Cross.
Sorry, if it does not match up with your doctrine.
I was in the midst of the wrath of God.
and I am 100% sure that I should be dead.

How upset was THE JUDGE?
So you get an idea, even the Holy Spirit was quiet
Even Jesus was quiet.
Nobody argued. Nobody dared speak up.
Speak up? what could I possibly say?

"Forgive me" and "mercy" were words that came to my mouth AFTER the forty days...DURING the forty days I did not, I DID NOT dare speak...I could barely breath.
After the forty days, I knew I would live. But I had to see the destruction that surrounded me. Death in my relationship with my boys. Death in the lives of the young people at church. "My children" facing death, confusion, disolusion... many felt it, they felt the change in the spiritual atmosphere but were not sure of what had happened.
It was then, when I saw their pain and knew I had been granted life that I got the strength to pray:
"Forgive me, have mercy!"
and that was my prayer for the next ten months.
God´s anger was not appeased. I had to draw near Him in the midst of His fire...of His wrath.
What motivated me to do something like that?
My children, my own three boys and my spiritual children. The power of a mother´s love.
I could not go on living, seeing them walking in death. They were created to fly! They are so very dear, so very special...I did not want to see them crawl all their life!
I know that when I drew near God in His wrath, heaven stood still.
I know all angels thought "she has gone mad!Certainly now she will be killed"

You may think I am exagerating. I am not, sometimes even the Holy Spirit whispered: "you had better withhold"... a mother´s love...I could NOT withold!
I drew near God, with only one prayer.
"Forgive me ...mercy for my children...mercy,
mercy, mercy God"

Every day as I drew near God, He would discipline me. He poured out His fire. He showed the deceit in my heart. Anger filled His eyes all the time.
I would look down in shame.
This was no joke.
A quick "forgive me and look at the cross" type of prayer, was not enough. (sorry if this disrupts your theological trainning)
Out of grace, I marched on. I drew near every day. "I must touch God...I must draw near..."
"Lady, you are insane!" my angel said.
"My children...they need God´s mercy...they need God´s grace...I cannot go back to life without touching God..."
Every single day that I drew near God during those 10 months, I knew my life was in high risk. I was attempting against my own safety, against my own life.
What would I want life and safety for...if my boys were half dead?

the ten months finished. A season´s change.
God moving with favor over my beloved!!
There is hope. There is hope.

Five months have gone by after the ten months finished. Now it is spring. New, tiny leaves are showing. Little by little I get letters of my kids, each one reflecting a new breeze.
God moving with favor over my beloved.
There is hope! I must press on...God is moving with favor over my beloved. There is hope, life is springing forth! I must press on...

IT HAS SEEMED GOOD TO ME TO PUBLISH THE SIGNS
AND WONDERS WHICH THE MOST HIGH GOD HAS
ACCOMPLISHED IN MY REGARD.

May the God who is God receive all honor and glory!
For He alone is merciful.
He is a merciful God.

for the women that I love

This world is a total mess. We made it that way. We were desperate for the change. We knew we just couldn´t go on the way we were.
So we went for women´s liberation movement.
Hurray, hurray! I will not stay and wash diapers!
We thought that was the key to success:
collegue and work.
we left the house, we got a job, how clever, how smart!
Now we get to the office and come back...to wash the diapers, clean up the house...how smart.
women´s lib??? what a fib!!!!

Most of my friends...I think I could say all...have deep complaints, the emptiness still remains.
The emptiness of men by their side. Oh, they may be married, but still- that man...is not really a man.
Men of the world...please, please wake up!

I know it will come, I know it will be, but meanwhile..."Bea, what is to become of me?"
My dear women friends, I don´t have all the answers, but I have started with this:
I take the sabbath day - literally.
I rest.
It is biblical you know. In fact it amazes me how much emphasis the Lord places on this.
I have taken so many things off my agenda, off my list...now I am resting, regaining strength. Had given so much...I need a lot of rest.
And you know what is amazing? I now begin to see that there is a path for me!
Where did I find that path? In rest, in sleeping, in staying in bed late, in painting, and embroidering, in listening to soft music...in bed, in rest.
My friend, I cannot find your path for you...you have to rest.
One more detail: I have discovered that the world
continues its course...without me
I can rest.

Bea, are you really pregnant?

Before I start I want to make clear I made a mistake in giving my address for the Bible study blog. It should be: http://biblereflections.blogspot.com if you dont put the blogspot part then you go into a web page written by an american. interesting- browse through it...but I cant take the credit for what is in it!!!! uuppss!
anyhow...
I got a letter today that says: "I was reading your blog, you mention something about being pregnant, I am excited about the idea, but before I go totally nuts over the baby...I wanted to ask you, sorry, my english isn´t that good."
ja ja ja ja so funny!!! and cute!
So, I wrote to my friend, but decided to stop and make this clear for all (just in case...) I am not physically pregnant. I am pregnant with a revival. What I mean to express with this, is that I have a real strong desire to participate with God to bring a revival to earth.
I know that I can´t with the heart I now have, that is why I have stopped so many other "important" things. And I am just concentrating on that new heart.
If I manage to get that heart (in God´s mercy)..then I can hope to hear God say: "Bea Gasca you are in!"
Wow!!!
But what is a revival?
Revival= God walking on earth.

Everything changes, if God is around. Supernatural moves of the Holy Spirit bring forth healing and restauration in amazing degrees. Physical and emotional healing.
Deliverance from alcohol, drugs and witchcraft...
and that is just a little bit of the change. Relationships will be strongly affected. Parents and children will walk in love. Women, I long for this in a special way, will be cared for and protected as God had designed it to be so from the beginnig.
So much will be going on!
But the best part will be that people will open their eyes to their sin. Suddenly you will hear people shouting:
"I am a sinner! I am a sinner!
I need a saviour!"
People turning to God, seeking,pleading His mercy and grace.
Recieving it and falling on their knees, to
worship the ONE AND ONLY.

My spirit gets excited as we talk about this. It is restless. Can´t wait for the time...
For now we are concentrated on that new heart. Lots of Bible reading...It will be a while, but we continue to work- God and I. God does most of the work, I only accept His burning fire, changing me, changing me, changing me...so one day God can say:
"Bea Gasca you are in! Lets go!
Lets walk in the midst of the Wind of Change!"

What glorious day that will be!!!!
May God grant me to make it.
May God allow me to give birth to a revival.
May I walk in the midst of the Wind of Change.

I moved on

So, my student managed to get me into some sticky situations, from which I managed to move on. But God also managed to get me into some real sticky situations...
I will not bore you to death with them all...but I will share only a little bit. (I know what you are thinking: Bea, I will not get bored, tell me all and with detail- forget it, this is embarrasing enough!!!!)

We go back in time.
I translate in a conference which has deeply marked my life. After the conference God calls me into ministry. He only says "it is time." I made up a plan: I will go to the jungle to pray and fast and ask God for His guidance, but a hotel is not the place for fasting, I will try to find out the where abouts of a missionary family, so I can stay with them. I call the guy who was the president of a mission that worked in the jungle. He gives me the name of two missionaries. Fine. Little did I know that my plans were not God´s. I worked so hard on that first trip!!! But that is another story, thing is that later on this guy asks me to become part of the mission.
I become the vice-president, He being the president. I look back at that time with lots of love. It was fun. We were 7 people, dreaming and hoping... that is another story. A small detail that I overlooked when accepting the job. The guy was single. I divorced. We spent a lot of time together, we got to know eachother well.
I remember going to the different meetings that went on around the church in la Paz. People would often greet him and then add: "your wife?" He joked around a lot, so he easily handled the situation and then in a serious tone would add: "she works as the vice-president of the mission" People would only smile. Some gave suspicious looks... and with time some even dared to say out loud: "you guys should get married you make an awesome pair!"
We did- as ministers- we were quite a team! Just how good a team? I will give you an example:
One day we were in a Bible study. He was leading worship, God spoke to me and asked me to lay my hands on a some guys feet. I started to argue with God "Lord! Not his feet!..." Suddenly worship stops. my friend says "the Lord says that He wants somebody to do something and that this person should obey right away!" OUCH. I did.
We were an amazing team.
"BEA!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did you let that guy go???"
Well, from my first marriage I had learned that a good ministry team does not necessarily add up to a good marriage. (take note of that)
And I saw that there were things in our characters that would make it really hard to get along inside marriage.
His mom saw this too. It is funny, I knew she did not want us to get involved. I myself decided to move on. A few weeks before coming I visited her. She told me she had felt real bad when I had quit the mission. I looked at her. She understood. And added, "yes, but it still hurt me that you had to leave." She loved me, but she saw ahead and knew that we would have problems if we tried the marring bit.
My friend is now married and they are expecting their first baby. Me and God look at their marriage and say: it is good!
and personally I am glad I moved on

perseverant and romantic

God is perseverant and romantic.
Did you know that? He is!
I mean think of the garden of Eden, His masterpiece, what did he put in there? Missionaries, pastors, worship leaders? Nope.
He put in a man and a woman.
God is romantic.
I can just see His excitment when Adam´s eyes met Eve´s for the first time. Eve blushed, Adam´s hands got sweaty. What beauty, what perfection! Romance filled the air.
And God saw it and said: "It is good!"

And that is basicly the reason for His desire for me to remarry. No big, complex ideas behind. God is romantic... that is all.

And He is perseverant. I mean, He asked me to remarry about 7 years ago! And has not taken a NO for an answer. Instead He has been working in my mind and in my heart. He has used all kinds of people and situations to bring me to this present stage of saying "Yes, I will marry again."

Amazinly some of the people that He used were some of my students. I give private English classes. And for some "unknown reason" these students were really interested in my getting married again.
There was this one guy that constantly thought of guys he knew "he is a good guy, he just needs a wife"... he got me in some sticky situations, but I managed to move on.
And then there is Berny, I will use her name, this story wouldn´t be the same without her name. I will never forget my surprise when on our second class- beginning our second class-she blurts out: "I am asking God to give you a man. You are just to special to be walking down life alone."
EXCUSE ME???? PLEASE REPEAT????
For the following year and a half that was her main quote. God used her a lot. My husband will have to give her a present of some sort. She didn´t take my "no", she would just go on "it is so nice, after a long hard day´s work to go to bed, with someone who loves you by your side. You have to get married."

Berny and her husband took me to the airport when I came to Mexico. They are a nice couple, and good friends of mine. May God bless their marriage.

There were many people used by God to open my heart and my mind to marriage. But God takes the biggest credit of all.
My perseverant and Romantic God, may my love story warm your heart.

You sure are disobedient!

"you sure are disobedient!"
Those were the words of one of the girls in that meeting. I wanted to guide them a bit with the marriage issue. I mentioned that God had asked me several years before to get married again. The girl was right. And she made me think.
obedience. So important, so good, so hard!!!
I fought with God sooooooooo much.
I even used some Bible verses. The one I liked most was the one in which Paul says it is better to stay single, so you won´t be distracted from ministry. =)
But "biblical" disobedience doesn´t really make a difference!! It takes you to death. I am sure if I had obeyed, way back there. God would have given me a man that would have loved my boys and would have helped me guide them. And now I would not have to carry the pain of having them so far from me.
But I didn´t obey.
I did not trust God on that one.
I had gotten married to a lovely young man that loved God and wanted to serve God. Later that man "died" and in his place stood a stranger, that full of pride forgot his wife and his God. OUCH.
Could I trust God? The pain had almost killed me, I do not want to go through something like that again. The struggle with deppresion... no thanks!

This was the way I had to learn that God respects our will. Hard lesson. God gave me a vision, that makes it clear.
It was a special, and lovely room. Full of light, peace, and warmth. We were sitting at the table, Jesus, my ex-husband and me. I was just plain happy, when suddenly I noticed my ex-husband had a "I am bored" kind of look. I felt uneasy. Jesus reached out, and gently put His hand on mine. Then my ex-husband stood up and headed toward the door. I looked bewildered not sure as what to do. Just feeling the Lord´s hand holding me thight. Then I ran to the window, called out his name. I saw when he took his white robe off and hid it under a bush, and just walk away. Tears filled my face. Jesus stood beside me, He pulled me away from the window. He held me in His arms and we both cried.

I walked in gloom for several years. I did not laugh, I did not sing, I did not paint...I went through the motions of routine. God was faithful and got me on my feet again. I now laugh once more.

Disobedient? Yes, I lacked faith.
We have come a long way.
Here I am trusting God for a good man...
perseverant God, faithful friend, patient friend.
Grant me the grace to obey.

Issac and Rebecca

Are match-makers biblical? Yes. You can read a beautiful love story in Genesis 24, and there is a match-maker in there. Those who do this job should study Abraham´s servant closely.
I remember one time after a church meeting. The minister for that morning was somebody from abroad. The meeting ended and I just sat there. Letting everything sink in. It had been a very special meeting...I didn´t want to leave. Suddenly this minister came and sat by me!
My heart started to beat fast. I opened my ears to hear a word of God. I expected a "thus says the Lord..." type of thing. To my total surprise the man said: "I have a disciple, he is a very special man and I am looking for a wife for him."
At that time my heart was totally closed to the idea of marriage. I wanted to serve God. I was just waiting for my kids to grow up and then I would be free to serve God a 100% of the time. Marriage???
My face expression was clear. The man apologized, stood up and left. Poor pastor! I could at least have said something like "I am sure he is a neat guy, and I feel most honored by your setting your eyes upon me. But marriage is just not in my plans."
Oh, well, by now I am sure the guy has gotten a bride, and I am sure he is a special man.
"Bea, if the pastor had been slower in the approach would it have made any difference?" Perhaps, but I strongly doubt it, because I had decided that I didn´t want to remarry.

This story makes me think of two things. One, I strongly disagree with people who make you think that there is only ONE person meant for you, and if this person marries someone else...well, you are doomed. That is totally false. I am sure that guy has a loving wife. That pastor saw something that made him think that we could be a good pair...but I said no. No panic. No blame. The pastor didn´t push the issue with a: "God showed me this guy was for you!" or anything of the sort. Keep this in mind.
I must admit that it still makes me feel good, to know that I was considered in the list of possibilities for that special guy- whoever he is, because I didn´t even get his name! ja ja ja

The other thing I think about is the fact that adults in church have become irresponsible. I remember my reaction when a young girl from church asked me to be her match maker. "Sorry, I can´t, too big a responsability!" Those were my words. This beautiful girl has stumbled with wrong relationships with several guys. I am responsible for that. I could have said yes. And done exactly what Abraham´s servant did. He prayed.
I think it is time we start to go back to basic principles, to protect our kids. Yes, many will tell us to move off...their choice. But many are willing to be protected and guided. Where are the adults to cover them?
Our modern times!!! Such a mess!!!! A neighbor says: "My son is over 21 and has had his vaccines, he can do whatever he wants" Do we really believe that? As if blowing certain number of candles makes this guy a man!!!

So the pastor went empty handed to his disciple, but he left a seed in my heart. The though of marriage...God had asked me long before to consider the matter. I had always pushed it aside.
But this special time it was different. A man of God had set his eyes upon me..for his beloved disciple!!!
wow... it did leave a seed.

writing

I stand here and look back. I blush. I know God is looking at me with a teasing look. I know He knows my thoughts. I blush, and pretend I don´t notice His teasing eyes.
When I started to write "these letters" my intention was to write news letters. The kind of letters missionary send to keep supporters posted, and to encourage financial support.
But every time I sat at the computer God would say: "please, don´t write that, be honest, be cristal clear"
It was hard. To begin with I new nobody would become my financial supporter, because I often sounded confused...ja ja ja!!! I now laugh...
But it was also embarrasing, and it still is. Talking about my pain, weakness, confusion, fear, anger, questions...and even about the guy that I like!!! agghhh!!!!
And on top of it, I now have to write in a blog!!! YIKES!!!! I think I took this step kind of hoping that nobody would continue reading...ji ji ji.
You know it is different, you wouldn´t have my letters in your mail box and you would have to make a special effort and time to read a blog...so maybe...
but no. You guys are still reading. Honestly I am glad. I promise. You are my friends.
But I was blushing because way back there when I didn´t understand but obeyed by writing what was in my heart I had no idea of what I would harvest.
And the recent letters I have got have made it worthwhile. Open letters, sincere and honest: crystal clear letters....WOW.
I think that the right way of naming my harvest is: friends. People who are now miles away, but are so close to my heart. And me to theirs!!!
I never got financial support from my writings, but I got FRIENDS! WOW!!!!
How good it is to obey.
How small our ways. How blind our eyes.
Me worried of becoming a fool,
God preparing a harvest of friends FOR ME!!!
HOW GOOD IT IS TO OBEY!!!!!

Mercy and grace

Last year God took me through 40 days of His wrath and then I moved onto 10 months of severe discipline.
Many things have changed. I am no longer the same, even though I still don´t have the heart I desire...I am no longer the same.
When I moved into that season, I moved out of church and my social activity was reduced to a minimum. Hard at first considering that I like people, I enjoy laughing. I like hugging and teasing people. But I had to be alone for two reasons: one was not to get distracted and the other was that most didn´t understand what I was talking about.
If I tried to talk on God´s wrath or His discipline most people got worried. Real worried, and would inmediatly point out to God´s mercy and grace. "God is love, Bea, God is love"
Even now I find it so hard to say: "Yes, but He is Holy and Just"...people just don´t relate.
I fought to find the right words to say: "Believe me, I do understand God´s mercy and God´s grace!"

I wake up in the middle of the night. I slowly move my fingers, I take a deep breath. I swallow hard. I am alive. I AM ALIVE.
I know God´s mercy. I know God´s grace.
I walked up to our plants yesterday and whispered: "you are alive, and so am I!!!!!!" Inside my soul was dancing. Outside I decided to refrain myself...no matter, I was alive. I AM alive.
I know God´s mercy. I know God´s grace. I walked through His wrath...no way to explain how come I am alive, except for mercy and grace.I know His mercy. I know His grace.
and, AND, and the beauty of our relationship now!!
I know His mercy. I know His grace. I know His love!
Such nearness, such gentleness, such peace, such freshness, such beauty...amazing grace!!!
Last Sunday, it rained. If you have never been through a draught this words cannot have the desired effect. But...last Sunday, it rained.
When spring was going into Bolivia I was brought to Mexico. I came into autum...never saw spring. What a long year it has been!!! Last Sunday it rained
I went out to the garden. Got soaking wet. I sat on our swing and lifted my face. I let the rain wash my tiredness away. Such a long walk, such a long year!
I closed my eyes and heard the rain. A symphony could never match up...this, my friend, was the FIRST rain!!!
"Lord...would you like to walk with me in the rain?" The answer was a lightning and a thunder,(the only one of the night)... God getting out of His throne, to walk with me in the rain.
We walked,and we talked some, but mainly we enjoyed our togetherness, our nearness, our friendship, our love...amazing grace...amazing grace...amazing grace.
"Dear Jesus" I whispered as I took His hand, "Thank you for paying the cost, thank you ever so much for the cross."
Such nearness...the cross.
Such friendship...His grace.
Such love...His mercy.

Do I understand God´s mercy and God´s grace?
My friend, I am alive AND near God!!!!

As Steven Curtis Chapman would say:
I am astonished and amazed.
I am speechles in Your presence now.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away
with this breathtaking view of Your grace.

Breathtaking Grace.
Astonishing Mercy.
GOD IS LOVE.
I am alive AND near God!!!

hard to relate

One of the girls I took to the jungle wrote to me about how she could relate to the piece I wrote called "I am a butterfly", she told me about when one afternoon as they walked across the jungle she had had the privelege of seeing these butteerflies. She describes the whole scene in beautiful manneer. I shared with my mom and my son. They weren´t half as enthusiastic as I ...mom said: "it is one of those things that unless you have actually been there, well it is just hard to relate"
I was in a conference on cancer a week ago. The woman had had breast cancer and was trying to awaken us into the need of checking ourselves in order to catch cancer on time. She was very honest, she struggled to make us feel her own pain so we would do whatever needed to avoid such pain. But I knew none of us could really relate.
I look back, at the time when I would talk about the jungle and the people needing the Word and God being in pain for them and...and...people couldn´t really relate.
Blank looks met my pleading eyes.
Now my eyes have been opened to what sin is really like, and my eyes have been opened to a just God.
I am deeply grieved as I see that people don´t relate to this either.
The woman in the cancer seminar spoke on how painful some of the treatments are. On how you somethimes are given chemicals that make your whole body burn...it feels so bad that you would do anything to leave your body.
I read my Bible. It becomes fire in my veins and in my own soul. The word burns so bad...fire. It is far from just understanding concepts, or making connections between the books in order to write preatty Bible studies.
The Word burns. It is more than just a phrase. You know how we adopt some phrases, which we don´t even fully understand. Phrases such as: "Lord, let it rain!" or "Bring your presence" The word burns, it is more than just a phrase.
I wail in deep agony as I read the word. I cannot say this out loud. I wish I could wail out loud, but my family is already worried for my mental state. They can´t relate.
They would love for me to go to the psycologist, they are not mean, they just don´t understand. They want "their Bea" back.
My little sister said: " I don´t like to see you like this (fragile), you are too great a woman to be in such a state. If you go to the psycologist you will be just fine in a couple of sessions."
I smile in the inside.
Can a psycologist undo that which God himself has done?
and I dare to add: something I myself prayed for?
They want "their Bea" back.
I don´t.
I asked for the change.
I want a heart that matches my words.
I want a heart that matches my actions.
I want a heart that honors God.
My brokeness comes from finding no such heart each time I sit and search.
If I had the right words, could you relate to the agony of standing before the God I dearly love...with an unworthy of HIM heart?
If I had the right words, could you relate to the fear that I now have to face His wrath again?
If I had the right words, could you relate to my agony at not being able to awaken my loved ones to the fact that God is HOLY and JUST?
If I had the right words, could you relate to the fear I have when I see people walking and moving without any fear of God´s wrath?
Could the psycologist take away the fire that burns within me when I see christians going to a bar on Thursday and then praise God at church on Sunday?
Could he relate to the fear of watching a missionary talk about his work on the field and later, in darkness abuse little children sexually?
Could he relate to my despair as I see pastors preaching on Sunday morning and then indulging in lust and pornography on Sunday afternoon?
Could he calm the pain, the agony, the fear, the despair, the FIRE, of seeing my own heart far, far from being the heart God expects to see in me?

I know I can stop all these without going to the psycologist. I can stop reading the Bible and let my heart grow hard again. I know it is possible. I know that option will always be opened.
But I faced God´s wrath once. I came out alive, I do not want to go through the same thing twice...I never want to face His wrath again. Not ever again.
So I will keep reading my Bible, keep feeling the pain, the fear, the agony, the FIRE. By going down this road one of two things will happen: I will either die or I will get the new heart I long for.
I speak of death as of phisical death. For this fire, is life taking. It is killing me. It doesn´t allow me to think right, so even routine stuff like paying a bill requieres a tremendous amount of strenght. A strength that I lack. For as each day goes by, I am weaker. It is crushing me, I can´t relate to people right. It is destroying me, It doesn´t let me sleep right.
I need a new heart.
I find no comfort. I have lost my strenght. My prayers are so different...no longer bold.
"Mercy, mercy, mercy Lord, I need a new heart" this is my constant prayer.

"Lord, I couldn´t make people aware of the need of reaching outside the church's walls? How am I supposed to make them aware of the fact that all those words we preach: a Holy God, the cross, sin, Justice...all of them are really real? Oh, Father what a heavy load you have asked me to carry...have mercy, mercy, mercy Lord! Give me a new heart!"

condition for my husband

As my friends and I have been talking about my future husband a word has constantly come up:
condition
"I have some conditions for the guy" says one of my friends. Another asks, "what are the things you would like find in him? color of eyes? car? house? courteous? intelligent?"

As any woman I could make up a list of "ideals", of things to seek in a man with whom I would have to live with for the rest of my days. Which, even if they are few, will be well lived.
When faced with this question when I was young I decided to choose a man that wanted to serve God. My motivatin for this was that I myself wanted to serve God. It was my only condition and that is what I chose.
Because neither of us faced sin as sin in our own hearts our marriage went down the drain...along with our ministry.
After 11 years of walking alone, and after 7 of God insisting that I remarry, I am now waiting for my husband. And I am now faced again with the question: "what do I want in him?"
I can make a list a mile long, but all these promptly dissapear as I ponder on one. Only one condition... yes, I know I had said I would say "yes" to any brave man that would ask me to marry...just because he was brave enough...but then I noticed that there are tons of lonely guys out there and that perhaps that was a trap.
ONE CONDITION ONLY. I promise I will keep it at that.
My husband doesn´t have to be in the ministry
He doesnt have to have a car
He doesn´t have to have blue eyes
He doesn´t have to be romantic
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
ONLY ONE CONDITION.

I think I would be the happiest woman on earth if the man I were to marry met this condition:
A man that knows God well,and thus fears Him
and is not offended by Him.
Not only that he is not offended by God,
but he loves and honors God for who He is,
and follows him unreservedly.
He prays and follows God with his whole heart.

I know, you are thinking I made it too hard for God...but don´t worry, God loves impossible things...and who knows...probably it was the prayer of my husband that has taken me to go through all I have gone through. I do have this feeling that he looked around said, "I need a wife but I have one condition, ONLY ONE CONDITION..."
I am looking forward to the years I will spend by his side.

Jeremai Neiel

Jeremai Neiel is my second son. He is now 15. And living miles away from me.
After my divorce I had to face the decision of staying in Bolivia or coming back home. I stayed based on the fact that my children had a right to have contact with their dad. Even though it was a God guided decision, last november I hated that decision.
After years of having faced a typical woman´s drama of having to rear up my kids alone, we had a huge discussion and the result was that I had to come home...without my boys.
What a storm.
I was never the kind of mother that wants their boys by their side for ever. I had always told them "you are eagles, in time you will leave the nest to fly, you are meant to fly high!"
But I had thought they would be near me until they were 18. Jesua, my little one, was thirteen!
How could I leave them behind! Such crucial years! Such difficult times! How could I possibly leave them behind!
I prayed "God I know your will. I have the money and the passport...but if you don´t send an angel to take me by the hand, well, I just won´t be able to obey you." And God did. He sent me several angels. Friends, very close friends who stood by.
I didn´t tell everyone, people wouldn´t understand. The pressure was already huge. No need to make it worse. But God did allow for dear ones to walk by my side.
With no idea of what would follow I was given the grace to obey. Along with the command to leave God gave me the promise that through this my boys would find life.
Months of agony have followed. Jeremai seemed so distant. We did chat, and talked on the phone, but he was careful as to how much to say.
Everytime fear came near, God would hold my hand. Don´t fear little one, I am by their side.
Last night I spoke to Jeremai, and this is part of what he said:
"Mom, I am sorry for not having understood what you were complaining about. Don´t worry I am taking care of Jesua, he is changing a lot. He now helps me with the house chores. I am doing better in school, my grades have gone up. We don´t play out in the streets, we are mainly home- because I know that is what you would have asked for me to do. I was invited to a party, but I said no. my friends made fun of me, but I don´t want to go down the drain. Dad doesn´t take us to the movies anymore, because he now has to pay for the milk. Mom, I wanted you to know that my life hasn´t been easy but it hasn´t been bad. I now see things differently and I am glad."

Tears stream down my face as I write. God is so faithful! I am so thankful for the grace to obey! my son, he is back! Perhaps we are miles apart, but he is back!!!!

"Mom, I wanted you to know that my life hasn´t been easy but it hasn´t been bad. I now see things differently..."
"Son, you are now a man" I would add.

have to write

I need to write...but where do I start? I can´t even find a title...a sigh, a deep sigh is all I can find, but I must write

I got a thank you note, just yesterday. It was filled with love and care. The person that wrote it is miles away...so far away.But it is not the distance that is weighing me down, her words...her words...her words were such heavy words!
What did she say? She said: "You are my pastor"

One of the ways God has crushed me was opening my eyes to the truth that I had done such a bad job as a pastor. Some of my friends will read this and will be tempeted to write and say "It is not so!", please don´t.
You see, that was God´s evaluation, not mine. For I was so blind that when I evaluated myself I gave myself a nine...with the highest score being a ten.
But when God evaluated me His eyes were full of rage; "You have lead my people astray!"
So many expected miracles didn´t come to be, because I didn´t teach people the right way.
So many families destroyed.
So many people in misery.
So many wondering if God existed at all.
A friend from church told me: "but Bea I heard what you said, it was good, it was okey..." I answered with shame "little one, the problem was not what I said...WHAT I DID NOT SAY is the problem"

It is true, some things I did not say because I knew that they were not a popular message, people did not care to hear about discipline, or self managment, or lust as sin. So many things that I accepted. So many things that I let go by. Pretended I couldn´t do anything about it, because I didn´t have a church given title that gave me the authority to confront. Mainly, I did not say anything because I wanted other people´s approval and recognition.
I am clever. I knew how much I could give without getting stoned. So I did say some things, to keep on the safe side, so nobody could accuse me of falling into the system, so I could go to bed and sleep well thinking I had done my share...let others take a part of what is going on!
But God, the God who is God and not some sort of "made up god", tested me...and rage filled His eyes.
I failed.
I still don´t understand why I am alive.
40 days I walked under His rage. 40 ...days

"YOU ARE BLIND!"
Those were His words. This was the other reason why I did such a bad job as a pastor. I was blind. I did not see. I tried to teach about God, without really understanding or accepting who He really is.So of course a lot of my teachings were only half right. Once again it was not what I said...what I did not say is the problem. The things I did not say because they were not an acceptable message and the things I did not say because I was ignorant of them.
"But why did God get so angry at you...it you did not know these things before?"
My friend, I was born in a christian family. I had a Bible since I was born.
What I did last year...I could have done it...30 years ago.
I had no excuse before God.
I had postponed facing God for 40 years! As I told you I am clever, I learned how to draw near Him enough to get the benefits I wanted from Him... annointing included. But I also learned that one can set a limit to how near you want Him to be- and that He will respect such a limit.
I guess the best way to put it is to say that I was playing a game of "give and take" with God. God I need this, and I am willing to give you this part of my life in exchange. I do not think God liked this. But He respected my will- it is part of what makes God ...God.
40 years, playing "give and take" game, just because there was sin which I did not want to give away.
If I hadn´t played this game, I would have known and accepted God as God before, and I would have taught my friends so many things that would have brought life into their lives...and now they would already be harvesting good fruits instead of death
This has crushed me. The burden is heavy...God has not taken it away- do not fight with Him, it is better this way.
But I will go further and share my heart with you, for this is not all the pain. I wish I were a better writer and could express myself better. I wish you could understand the pain, the agony that burns my soul. How desperate I feel in not being able to help you undertand what I am going through, not because I care for you to give me your comfort- my friend, my heart is beyond human comfort- but because I do not wish to see you here, in this place where the rage of God has taken me...how I wish you could avoid HIS wrath!!!!

How I wish you could avoid this pain!
Do not try to comfort me... there is no way you can... I did not dare face God and accept who He was, so many people hurting because of my selfishness!
Do not try to comfort me...there is no way you can...I played a "give and take" game with God...and my children, my little boys, my very own heart...they learned the game well and they are playing it hard...if they keep playing it they too will face God´s wrath!
........such deep pain!